Sunday, November 6, 2011
Tim fought for transparency in city government and won…now you can see right through it! MC Tim hosts Rat Pack Club live from City Hall. Every other week, the air-raid siren signals that it's time to gather in the fallout shelter to watch Tim and his Mousekateers.
Tim Phelan put the City Council on Twitter so all the hip kids could follow it! (Still no Facebook page, though) @LynnCouncil follows all the key players: Will Wheaton, Dane Cook and Mandy Moore. In the back rooms of city hall, someone's tweeting their brains out.
Tim successfully proposed and passed 3 separate ordinances PROHIBITING AMUSEMENT PARKS FOR THIRD DEGREE PERVERTS, THE DANGLING OF NAUGHTY PARTS IN BLACK BOX THEATRES and TRANSFATS SERVED PAST 10 O'ClOCK.
Tim successfully fought to muzzle that doggie in the window.
Tim loves this city! He even had someone shoot a YouTube video collage to prove it.
Tim is a life-long Lynner, in other words hip, groovy and cool, not a stick in the mud at all. As a senior at Lynn English, he successfully supported the Fonz's effort to jump the shark. He found his thrill on Blueberry Hill and walked down lonely street to Heartbreak Hotel. To know, know, know him, is to love, love, love him. Vote Timothy Phelan this November 8th and keep 1950's values alive! Happy Days!
Tim Phelan--Moving Lynn Back to the 50s.
Friday, September 9, 2011
|Chip Clancy's old computer|
The Goldfish Pond Scrolls are among the most potentially damaging of these finds and reveal shocking secrets that descendants of the the Ingalls clan would prefer remain untold. Edmund Ingalls and his family, the first settlers of the area, were Puritans who disdained the flamboyant conduct of their fellow settlers on the Revere Beach Parkway.
So they moved to an area of Lynn then known as Swamphole and dug a heart-shaped ditch, filled it with water, threw in some goldfish and called it day. The rest, as they say, is history.
Among the other shocking historical artifacts found in the depths of the pond:
- Salvaged computers from the Chip Clancy administration. JFK would really like to get her hands on these! Who knows what incriminating email threads reside on these hard drives?
- Obama's Kenyan birth certificate.
- The remains of the egg that hatched Newt Gingrich.
|Our intrepid reporter|
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
Red Sox officials announced last night that due to poor performance the high priced Red Sox players would be replaced by the Northshore Navigators players. Theo Epstien is said to be very frustrated by the lack of performance by his nearly one billion dollar payroll and figures to give the kids from Fraser Field a chance to play in the big leagues. An un-named source close to Epstien is quoted as saying "They can't be any worse than those Bentley driving bozos we got in there now. Maybe the Navigator kids can do a little David and Galiuth with the Yankees tonight."
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
No, Inspectional Services isn't all it's cracked up to be, ticketing all those senior citizens and disabled people for not shovelling their sidewalks! Doesn't City Hall appreciate all the extra revenue Mike "It's Done Now" Donovan brought in? When a winter like this comes along, you have to take advantage of it. Where white powdery substances are concerned, Donovan's your man. Or not.
The head of INSPECTIONAL services doesn't check for LICENSES when hiring a contractor to remove ASBESTOS from a SCHOOL???!!! There is so much wrong with that sentence that our head is about to explode. Quick, wrap us in asbestos!
So without further ado, we present Mike "It's Done Now" Donovan with the Bartholmew JoJo Simpson "I didn't do it" Award for incompetence and/or negligence of cartoonishly stupendous proportions.
Oh, it's done now, Mike. Can you all say it with me? I DIDN'T DO IT.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
An abundance of wild jalopies frequent the thoroughfares and main arteries of our fair city. None heralds the commencement of Spring more so than the arrival of the Florescent Flanged Camaro (Camarus bombasticus). It approacheth on glittering oversized spinning rims, dual exhausts bleating. As this harbinger of the mating season draws closer to your proximity, you feel the window shattering bass in the marrow of your bones. Such sweet music!
It tweets of cop killing mofos and drug deals gone bad. If you you are fortunate, you live near a crossroads and the cessation of its movement allows you to savor its arrival. Such a sighting is greatly anticipated by the natives, who look out their windows in great admiration, mouths agape.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
The Fashion Police decreed that the pants must always wear a belt so as not to hang down and expose the undergarments, along with a T-shirt and thong sandals. Baggy trousers could not be reached for comment.
The tuxedo was beaten beyond recognition, its lapels ripped to shreds. In an effort to bring it back to life, Tennessee Tuxedo and Chumly are employing Mr. Whoopie's Way-back Machine to go back in time and prevent the horrific event. "I will not fail!" proclaimed Tennessee.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
"Were it not for the social intercourse, I would as soon be confined in a prison cell as in a room twelve feet square, with a hot stove, and six or eight persons breathing the heated air over and over again, long after it is rendered unfit to sustain life... The subject of bathing, too, requires more attention. There are many people in Lynn, as there are in all other places, who never washed themselves all over in their lives, and who would as soon think of taking a journey through the air in a balloon, as of going under water. How they contrive to exist I cannot imagine; they certainly do not exist in the highest degree of happiness, if happiness consists in the enjoyment of that free and buoyant mind which is nourished by pure air and clean water. Some of these water haters, a few years since made a law, that boys should not bathe in sight of any house; yet they have furnished no bathing houses; and there are no secluded places, excepting where the lives of children would be endangered. Thus they not only refuse to bathe themselves, but prevent the young, by a heavy penalty, from enjoying one of the purest blessings and highest luxuries of existence. Perhaps nothing is more conducive to health than sea -bathing. I do not wish for a return of the "olden time," with all its errors and absurdities, but I do desire a return to that simplicity which is born of purity."We heartily agree with Alonzo. Nothing gets our goat cheese in a whiz more than the prohibition to enjoy that which is freely available to us by virtue of the benevolence of the Creator. Aye. To bathe, perchance to cleanse us of our toe cheese. We will not desist until the unhealthy ordinance is repealed.
We look to Joey McBerlesconi to lead the way, for only he is running on a platform of good hygeine. Joey McBerlesconi: Making Ocean Bathing Acceptable Again. Because we have more important things to worry about. (This message was approved by the committee to elect McBerlesconi )
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I know that Lynn is renowned for the diversity of it's ethnic food, but this is ridiculous. Just because St. Paddy's day is coming up doesn't mean the Shaw's on Market St. can sell this stuff. What message does this send to our young people? That prostitution is wrong and morally degrading to women, yet Spotted Dick and Treacle are readily available over the counter? I smell a new ordinance.
Lynn didn't get its reputation as the city of sin for nothing. There are least two prostitutes for every John on Union St. Now that they're going to dig it up, where will they all go? If the past is any indication, I think we can plan on them moving to the Ingall's school farm. The neighbors will not like this at all.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
City Hall Community Development Director Leslie Swamp announced today that the Lynn Auditorium has booked the ground-breaking Fossils of Rock Tour this summer.
Fossils of Rock was brought to life by Lynn Community College Scientist Jehosephat Brimley when he discovered the secret of reanimating dinosaur DNA. It wasn't long before the new science was applied to restoring the remains of such legendary rock bands as T-Rex, Stegosaurus Jr., Pangea, Igneous and Continental Drift. Headlining will be the Elton John tribute band Crocodile Rock.
"There is just such a huge demand to see these giants of rock n' roll again," said Swamp. "I remember when I was a kid, we used to get these plastic replicas of the dinosaurs at Christmas. Now people will be able to experience the real thing."
"Fossils of Rock will attract the key demographic of 80-somethings we're looking for to revitalize Downtown," said Swamp. But, she stressed, some things move very slowly. "It's a lot like evolution. A new facade here. Antique streetlights there. Having this tour come here is the once-in-a-lifetime mutation that will propel the process forward. All the more good will come from the destruction they leave in their wake. There are a lot of vacant and dilapidated buildings that need to come down."
Rock critic Stephan D. Gourd can't wait for the summer. "Hopefully it will be nice and humid by that time. Legends like Lemmy NooseDangler of T-Rex lay down the most rock-solid bass-line you can imagine when conditions are ripe. The vocals will be earth-shattering. Of course they're accustomed to playing in an environment where fruit flies are the size of Toyota Prii, but we have to work with the conditions of the Holocene epoch."
Many residents, however, are wary of the increased presence of undesirable primates the tour will attract. "You'll get all the Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon gang elements from the North Shore invading our territory," said longtime resident Richard Crustworthy. I hope the city does right and gets police reinforcements for this night."
Swamp calls these fears exaggerated. "Homo-sapiens are welcome too. We won't let the crowd get out of hand. Oh, and this isn't just one night. We've booked a whole weekend of shows. We have access here in Lynn to cutting edge technologies--genetic reconstruction, fiber optic networks and Windows 3. It would be a shame to waste them on acts no one is interested in anymore."
Free parking for the tour will be provided by the Brown Cow cafe and the new nightclub, Velociraptor.