We are to The Onion what the Lynn Daily Item is to the New York Times
Monday, February 21, 2011
Gunn Declares State of Emergency
The Tomato would like to introduce its first article from our new intrepid correspondent Eclectic Prune.
By Eclectic Prune
In what many are considering a pre-emptive strike against the elements, DPW commissioner Jump Gunn announced today that Lynn is under a permanent state of emergency due to this morning's snowfall. "I woke up this mornning and nearly had a panic attack. According to all our computer models, this ones going to be a douzy," said Gunn. He was referring to the computer recently installed in his office and obtained through a Batton up the Hatches grant from the National Weather Service.
"Once I give the order to turn those blue light thingies on, the city is mine," said Gunn.
By 6AM, a gossamer sheet of ice crystals covered the city. This time we're prepared," grinned Gunn. "I have unilaterally suspended all street parking until further notice, called up our reserve ploughing force and will shoot on sight anyone seen blowing snow in the street. I just can't let this one get away or the mayor might try to can me."
The city council assured Gunn his job was not on the line. Said council president Sarah Failin, "I am a hundred percent behind Gunn. He is showing real leadership here. Besides, by declaring the state of emergency, Gunn has taken complete control of the city. There's nothing I can do."
Some are accusing Gunn of premature snow eradification.
Mayor Woody Ubuzz-off would not return phone calls to his office. Sources close to Gunn say the mayor is chained and muzzled behind City Hall.
According to eyewitnesses, Gunn could later be seen wandering downtown proclaiming, "Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! blow! You cataracts and blizzards, snow till you have drenched our steeples, buried the cocks!"