Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Marshall Middle School Student Council Race Heats Up

Things are starting to get rolling for the Marshall Middle School student council races for next year. It is mostly the same cast of characters from past years. In the At-Large race it looks like Pauly Crowley, Danny Cahil, Stevie Duffy, Timmy Phelan are back in it. We will see if shop stalwart Stevie Duffy will have the same lunch money controversy that he had the last go around and if Pauly Crowley will get any blow back from his involvement in the controversial redevelopment of the historic playground into a 7-11. With his deep war chest Timmy Phelan is clearly eying bigger prizes in the near future and we will see if up-in-coming youngster Danny Cahil gains any ground in his goal of becoming the next council president.

There are some challengers in the race who have already announced. Basketball standout Buzzy Burton is looking to translate his popularity into a seat on the student council so that he can be a pain in Timmy Phalen's behind. Young Clay Walsh has also jumped into the race and already is using Facebook and a fancy website to attract attention. As of yet no transfer students have entered the race. Because of the home town bias this growing constituency in the school still has a hard time getting elected to office. Rumor also has it that Teacher Advisory Committee member Johnny Ford might be thinking about going for an at-large student council seat.

Things have not gotten going yet in the hallway races. Hall 2's Billy Trahant and Hall 3's Darren Cyr are thought by many to be vulnerable to the right candidate but no one has stepped forward. As time moves forward we should start to hear more about the other Hallway races.

What is really interesting about this years student council race is how it will set up the Principle Pet race the following year. Judy Kennedy had an upset victory over Chipper Clancy last time around and rumor has it that a whole bunch of school polls think they have a shot at this position. It is clear that Timmy Phalen would love to be the next Pet and City Student Council Reps Tommy McGee, Bobby Fennel and Stevie Walsh are also thought to be mulling runs.

In future reporting the Tomato will take a closer look at how the Teacher Advisory Committee race is shaping up.

Friday, March 25, 2011

The Lewis Files

Someone rang our doorbell the other day and ran away. The Crips must be at it again, we thought. When we opened the door, we saw that the culprit had left a plain brown paper wrapped package. Immediately, we opened it. Along with some alien autopsy photos was the long-lost original manuscript of Alonzo Lewis' journals. Yes, that Alonzo Lewis, co-writer of the classic History of Lynn published in 1865. It is with great pleasure that we publish this important historical document. Here is an excerpt:

An abundance of wild jalopies frequent the thoroughfares and main arteries of our fair city. None heralds the commencement of Spring more so than the arrival of the Florescent Flanged Camaro (Camarus bombasticus). It approacheth on glittering oversized spinning rims, dual exhausts bleating. As this harbinger of the mating season draws closer to your proximity, you feel the window shattering bass in the marrow of your bones. Such sweet music!

It tweets of cop killing mofos and drug deals gone bad. If you you are fortunate, you live near a crossroads and the cessation of its movement allows you to savor its arrival. Such a sighting is greatly anticipated by the natives, who look out their windows in great admiration, mouths agape.

Opinion: Lynn Schools Overcrowded and Assistant Superintendent for Staplers the Answer

We here at the Lynn Daily Tomato would like to commend Superintendent Lathum's forward thinking plan to address overcrowding in our elementary school classrooms. Clearly hiring a new Assistant Superintendent for staplers is the answer.

It is a brilliant move. With this new person in the school administration headquarters moving paper from one side of their desk to the other and making sure everyone is well stocked in staples and paper shredders it will give Superintendent Lathum more time to ponder the weighty issues of the day. A little breathing room in her daily life you might say.

We agree this is definitely the best way to spend $150 grand in salary and benefits, not to mention an additional $50 grand for a confidential secretary (because we all know the Lynn School Department is kind of like the CIA). And you cannot forget the car the city will need to buy this person. A brand new Cadillac Escalade should be the ticket.

We agree with Superintendent Lathum that this $200 grand should not be spent in other ways. What are a couple extra class room teachers, easing the size pressure in our schools, in comparison to the mental health benefits to you Ms. Lathum. We applaud you for caring so much for the kids by paying so close attention to your own needs. Kudos Lathum! Kudos!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Item Announces New Photo Spread Section

Lynn Daily Item photo editor Arnie Pretty announce today a new photo spread section for both the print and online version of the paper. The plan is to start with a photo spread called "Kennedy on the Crapper" which will feature pictures of of Mayor Kennedy taking a shit. "We just do not feel like we have done a very good job of taking flattering pictures of the Mayor" pointed out Mr. Pretty. He then referenced the photo that went with the March 24th Item front page article. "We feel that the photos of Ms. Kennedy on the can will be a dramatic improvement," Mr. Pretty continued.

Future editions will include "On the Beach" featuring the City Council in bikini briefs, "Fill'in Holes" featuring DPW workers filling pots holes and "Taken the Test" featuring school administration and school committee members attempting to take the MCAS test. All photo spreads will be available for public purchase in calendar formate with all proceeds going to Lynn Foundation. "It will show our city workers and politicians in a more intimate and positive light as well as raising money for important work in the city," Arne Pretty concluded excitedly.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Lynn Pair Pleats Guilty in Tuxedo Beating

A Lynn pair of cargo pants pled guilty to the involuntary suit-slaughter of a double-breasted tuxedo at Voyiagis Tuxedo and Tailors on Western Ave. today. The pants were sentenced to permanent display at Old Navy, never to be worn again.

The Fashion Police decreed that the pants must always wear a belt so as not to hang down and expose the undergarments, along with a T-shirt and thong sandals. Baggy trousers could not be reached for comment.

The tuxedo was beaten beyond recognition, its lapels ripped to shreds. In an effort to bring it back to life, Tennessee Tuxedo and Chumly are employing Mr. Whoopie's Way-back Machine to go back in time and prevent the horrific event. "I will not fail!" proclaimed Tennessee.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Alonzo Lewis and the Water Haters

We dry fruits and juicy vegetables here at the Tomato are happy to discover a fellow scribe that amuses us. We refer to none other than that illustrious chronicler of all things Lynn: Alonzo Lewis. Along with James Newall, he penned the definitive History of Lynn in 1865. It remains a classic. Herewith is a snippet we would like to share:
"Were it not for the social intercourse, I would as soon be confined in a prison cell as in a room twelve feet square, with a hot stove, and six or eight persons breathing the heated air over and over again, long after it is rendered unfit to sustain life... The subject of bathing, too, requires more attention. There are many people in Lynn, as there are in all other places, who never washed themselves all over in their lives, and who would as soon think of taking a journey through the air in a balloon, as of going under water. How they contrive to exist I cannot imagine; they certainly do not exist in the highest degree of happiness, if happiness consists in the enjoyment of that free and buoyant mind which is nourished by pure air and clean water. Some of these water haters, a few years since made a law, that boys should not bathe in sight of any house; yet they have furnished no bathing houses; and there are no secluded places, excepting where the lives of children would be endangered. Thus they not only refuse to bathe themselves, but prevent the young, by a heavy penalty, from enjoying one of the purest blessings and highest luxuries of existence. Perhaps nothing is more conducive to health than sea -bathing. I do not wish for a return of the "olden time," with all its errors and absurdities, but I do desire a return to that simplicity which is born of purity."
We heartily agree with Alonzo. Nothing gets our goat cheese in a whiz more than the prohibition to enjoy that which is freely available to us by virtue of the benevolence of the Creator. Aye. To bathe, perchance to cleanse us of our toe cheese. We will not desist until the unhealthy ordinance is repealed.

We look to Joey McBerlesconi to lead the way, for only he is running on a platform of good hygeine. Joey McBerlesconi: Making Ocean Bathing Acceptable Again. Because we have more important things to worry about. (This message was approved by the committee to elect McBerlesconi )

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Re-Elect Joey McBerlisconi Event April 1st

We at the Tomato are happy to announce our support for the Re Election Campaign for Ward 8 Councilor Joey McBerlisconi. We support Joey's re-election bid to represent Lynn's smallest ward (bordered by Manne Blvd, the Lynnway and the ocean) because he clearly the most qualified. He is a life long Lynner whose family goes back generations in Lynn. That is really the only qualification he really needs. We clearly do not want any non-lifelong-Lynners to be elected to office. What do they have to offer this city?

So join us in this fundraiser for Joey! Visit our facebook event page for more information for this event.We would also like to thank the Athana Family for letting us use their abandon restaurant Anthony's Hawthorn for this event. They will clearly have Jeoy's vote on the eminent domain issue.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Lynn: Ya Bunch of Perverts

We decided to go trolling through our website stats today (Charlie Sheen style) to see who has been visiting us and what you like to read on our site. And by this morning we really mean three or for times a day. Anyways, we have found some interesting things:

First of all we seem to have a bit of an audience in Russia. привет (you gotta love Google Translate) my Russian friends. Are you actually interested in what we have going on here in Lynn or are you just trying to figure out how to hack our site. You can have what we have earned from adsense if you like. We have earned like .77cents so far. (to my readers start clicking on those ads, our Russian friends have kids to put through college.)

Secondly, Lynn you are a bunch of perves! I mean all we have to do is mention "Naked Ladies" or "Spotted Dicks" and our hits go through the roof. I guess we should not be surprised by this considering what comes up in "What People in Lynn Are Watching" recommended list on Netflix. I see "Kama Sutra" is up there right now. Any reviews?

Lastly the readers of love us! That site is is by far our biggest referral site.,, LynnsideEdition, LynnSchoolWatch, get on the ball! Now heartoflynn, besides wanting to save ad bunch of woods and a big rock do you and your readers have a bit of a pervy streak. Because the hits coming from your site would seem to indicate such.

Love Ya Lynn Lynn City of Sin! Keep up the pervyness!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Spotted Dick For All!!

By Eclectic Prune

I know that Lynn is renowned for the diversity of it's ethnic food, but this is ridiculous. Just because St. Paddy's day is coming up doesn't mean the Shaw's on Market St. can sell this stuff. What message does this send to our young people? That prostitution is wrong and morally degrading to women, yet Spotted Dick and Treacle are readily available over the counter? I smell a new ordinance.

Lynn didn't get its reputation as the city of sin for nothing. There are least two prostitutes for every John on Union St. Now that they're going to dig it up, where will they all go? If the past is any indication, I think we can plan on them moving to the Ingall's school farm. The neighbors will not like this at all.

Friday, March 11, 2011

WikiLeeks Exposes Rat Syndicate Plot

In recently released documents from the WikiLeeks (the recently created Lynn based online organization whose mission is to ferret out the truth about what goes on in the city) a plot by the local Rat Syndicate has been exposed. Below are transcriptions of actual internal communications from the Rat Syndicate. Whiskers is believed to be the head of the syndicate and Snubtale is one of Whiskers top lieutenants.

Transcribed text:

To: Snubtale
From: Whiskers
Date: November 17th
Subject: Puleo Operation

Snubtale, I would like to congratulate you on your unit operation targeting Margaret Puleo. Judging from the news coverage at the Item it is having its desired effect. We need to keep these humans pointed in the wrong direction.

Good work,


To: Whiskers
From: Snubtale
Date: November 18th
Subject: Re: Puleo Operation

Thank you,

It was laughably easy. All had to do is send a couple of my boys scurrying along her fence between her yard and the garden during times that I new she would notice. It was brilliant of you to target her. She blew her lid and easily convinced those doorknobs on the city council to put up a fuss.

Talk to you soon,


To: Snubtale
From: Whiskers
Date: November 20th
Subject: Re: Puleo Operation

Sorry it has taken me a couple of days to get back to you. I have been at some important meetings with other gangs in the city. The Crips and the Bloods have been impressed with our work. They love that that Puleo and those dunderheads Cyr and Trahant blame the garden for human gangs in the area. They want us to push harder and see if the we can get the garden shut down. The Food Project has been hampering their recruitment.

But you and I know we need to keep this at a low boil. The longer we can keep the city government distracted by this garden the longer they will not pay attention to those areas that are important to us. The way this city handles garbage collection and vacant houses is perfect for us.

Anyways, tell you boys I have a 5 day old Little Ceazars pizza and half eaten Dunken's donut waiting for them at headquarters as a reward for work well done.



End of Transcriptions

Our colleagues over at WikiLeeks tell us they have many more communications like this one that they plan on releasing in the coming weeks. We at the Tomato will stay on top of this reporting for our readers.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Attack of the Shopping Cart

As the snow recedes the metal contraptions are everywhere. As the winter progressed shopping carts have been abandoned from their intended use in carrying our cans of tomatoes, bathroom tissue, and recycled cans and bottles in the enormous snow banks that were all over the city.

Can collector Tim Khan complained "Have you ever tried to lug a shopping cart full of the cans and bottles people have littered in the streets over a 6 foot snowbank? It is impossible! I ditched my cart in mid-February."

The result is that there are shopping carts all over the place, in the gold fish pond, play grounds, Darren Cyr's garage, and they have become a real public safety issue.

Ward 8 Councilor Joey McBerlisconi pointed out "What? Should we be doing something about the actual trash in the city. The leftover Little Ceasars Pizza boxes, the Dunkin cups and bags and remnants of last nights dinner are not the real trash problem in this city. Its those damn shopping carts. They just get in the way and dent the paint job on my Toyota Forerunner." According to McBerlisconi the City Council is looking to increase the fine issued to markets from $2 to $2.50 per cart found. "We will likely take in $50 more dollars in fines annually," McBerlisconi added.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Profile: Lynn Daily Item Commenter jimmyinlynn

In today edition of our regular column about those who comment on Lynn Daily Item news stories we turn our jimmyinlynn. Jimmyinlynn is actually James Mayflower Prescott III of Marblehead. Mr. Prescott lives in one of those enormous mansions right on the ocean and works for a family owned hedge fund in Boston. The Mayflower in his name comes from the fact that his family actually owned the historical Mayflower of Pilgrim fame.

Mr Prescott is an avid follower of the working people blood sport known as Lynn City politics and the advent of the online addition of the Lynn Daily Item has allowed him to comment using the seemly Lynn working stiff handle of "jimmyinlynn." His other Lynn related past-time is borrowing his maid's car and going trolling for the ladies on Union St. at night.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Ugly Vegetable of the Week

For this week's Ugly Vegetable of the Week we dig into our own vegetable basket for this fossilized avocado. Apparently we had a hankering for some guacamole 10 years ago that was never realized. Maybe our avocado can make an appearance at the Fossils of Rock tour showing up at the auditorium later this year.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

No Painted Naked People at Arts After Hours Event

The Lynn Daily Tomato is distressed to hear that there will not be any naked painted people at Bourbon Street 2011 being put on by Arts After Hours. We were really looking forward to seeing the lovely ladies with nothing on but painted bikinis, night gowns or mardi gras beads. We have been to the real Mardi Gras and we know it is all about the skin so we are disappointed that they decided to follow those fuddy duddy Lynn indecency laws.

But if you are one of those people who like to support good causes, have a night of fun, even if there is not going to be any skin, or eat good food then for gods sake PLEASE buy your ticket NOW. This event needs to sell out soon so that we can get our Facebook newsfeed back from the request to buy tickets that have been coming to two or three times an hour from It has become nearly impossible to find the posts about playing kittens and the Fox / MSNBC feud that we love so much.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Mayor Kennedy to get Throne

DPW Commissioner Jump Gunn had an epiphany as he hurdled through the earth after falling into a pothole at the corner of Alley and Commercial. "As I kept on falling through all those layers of rock and then the hot core of the earth I had a realization it was not very nice of me to take executive power from the administration during the state of emergency caused by this winter's storms," reported Commissioner Gunn at the press conference he held this morning after arriving back in Lynn from his ordeal. (Tomato correspondent Eclectic Prune reported earlier about Commissioner Gunn seizing power.)

When he finally made it through the earth to a small Chinese town just outside of Tibet, Gunn reports that he saw just what he could do. "There, at a little shop near the Chines pothole I came out of, it was. What better than a throne to help make the Mayor feel like a queen." Gunn continued. He told reporters that he would be sending a DPW crew over to install the above pictured "throne" in the mayor's office private bathroom tomorrow.

A source close to Tim Phalen says that the Council President is a little jealous and asked Dunn were he might purchase one to be installed in his bathroom at home.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Damn Do-Gooders!

Sure when you do something interesting like dig up history about our city and make it accessible to wider group of people we guess you will get some good attention. Well I guess that is what those folks over at CSI: Lynn have done with their Lynn Daily Item article and the 493 people who like them on their facebook page.

We over here at the Tomato say Pah! Who cares about a silly little dusty old book written by a bunch of Lynn brats a 100 years ago. All that old stuff should stay hidden! We would not want any actual pride to set into this sinful city!

And we at the Tomato are not jealous at all. We know that our offerings of horribly written, deceitful and snarky comments about Lynn will win out eventually. 20 people like us . . . we think. And even if they have "liked" us on facebook for much of the same reason people slow down at the crash scene on the highway we will take them.

So CONGRATULATIONS CSI: Lynn for all your do gooder goodness.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

NEWS ALERT!: DPW Commissioner Jump Gunn Disappears into Giant Pothole

DPW Commissioner Jump Gunn's city issued Cadillac Escalade disappeared into a giant pothole that opened up on Commercial St. this afternoon with the Commissioner in it. Apparently Gunn was transporting his new computer issued to him by Mayor Kennedy from Lynn Tech to his DPW office.

DPW spokesperson Jump (Jumpy) Gunn Jr., also Gunn's son, reported, "Our dear leader and father fell into the pothole located at the corner of Commercial and Alley at 2pm this afternoon. It is quite a large pothole and reports indicated that it might come out in a pothole located in a province of China near Tibet. We ask for your prayers in this hard time."

The US Embassy in China has been contacted to keep an eye out for Gunn Senior according to an unidentified mayoral aid. A pothole specialist at Salem St. has pointed out that it could take a couple of days for Gunn Senior to make it through the planet and come out on the other end.

Upon hearing this news Gunn Jr. shreaked, "Nooooo!!! That computer had a quad core Intel Processor. I was going to play Halo all night long." He then stomped back into the DPW headquarters.

Stay tuned to the Lynn Daily Tomato for more updates on this quickly developing story.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Profile: Lynn Daily Item Commenter dont use my name

Continuing our on going feature exposing those who blather on and on in the Lynn Daily Item comment section we move to dont use my name.

It is pretty obvious why he does not want to use his name because the commenter known as dont use my name is none other the former mayor Chip Clancy. Known for diatribes against the present administration and odd non-sequitur like todays post about blasting the school department on an article about police unions good old Chipper (aka dont use my name) is biding his time spouting off in the anonymousness environs of the Lynn Daily Item comment section.