Sunday, February 27, 2011

Lynn Auditorium Nabs Fossils of Rock Tour

By Eclectic Prune

City Hall Community Development Director Leslie Swamp announced today that the Lynn Auditorium has booked the ground-breaking Fossils of Rock Tour this summer.

Fossils of Rock was brought to life by Lynn Community College Scientist Jehosephat Brimley when he discovered the secret of reanimating dinosaur DNA. It wasn't long before the new science was applied to restoring the remains of such legendary rock bands as T-Rex, Stegosaurus Jr., Pangea, Igneous and Continental Drift. Headlining will be the Elton John tribute band Crocodile Rock.

"There is just such a huge demand to see these giants of rock n' roll again," said Swamp. "I remember when I was a kid, we used to get these plastic replicas of the dinosaurs at Christmas. Now people will be able to experience the real thing."

"Fossils of Rock will attract the key demographic of 80-somethings we're looking for to revitalize Downtown," said Swamp. But, she stressed, some things move very slowly. "It's a lot like evolution. A new facade here. Antique streetlights there. Having this tour come here is the once-in-a-lifetime mutation that will propel the process forward. All the more good will come from the destruction they leave in their wake. There are a lot of vacant and dilapidated buildings that need to come down."

Rock critic Stephan D. Gourd can't wait for the summer. "Hopefully it will be nice and humid by that time. Legends like Lemmy NooseDangler of T-Rex lay down the most rock-solid bass-line you can imagine when conditions are ripe. The vocals will be earth-shattering. Of course they're accustomed to playing in an environment where fruit flies are the size of Toyota Prii, but we have to work with the conditions of the Holocene epoch."

Many residents, however, are wary of the increased presence of undesirable primates the tour will attract. "You'll get all the Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon gang elements from the North Shore invading our territory," said longtime resident Richard Crustworthy. I hope the city does right and gets police reinforcements for this night."

Swamp calls these fears exaggerated. "Homo-sapiens are welcome too. We won't let the crowd get out of hand. Oh, and this isn't just one night. We've booked a whole weekend of shows. We have access here in Lynn to cutting edge technologies--genetic reconstruction, fiber optic networks and Windows 3. It would be a shame to waste them on acts no one is interested in anymore."

Free parking for the tour will be provided by the Brown Cow cafe and the new nightclub, Velociraptor.


  1. For the bands I'd like to see, we'd need a 150-300 person capacity general admission/mostly seat-less venue. I don't like seeing shows at the Orpheum, either, because of the seats. Some of the energy was lost seeing Built to Spill/Dinosaur Jr (last show I went to there). The Auditorium caters to people who like to sit down. :)

    My girlfriend is dragging me to see Kansas, though. I see it as supporting the city's efforts and as a novelty..I mean..the opportunity to walk a few blocks and Kansas is playing.. doesn't come up too often I guess.

  2. With the recent news about lack of space in the cemetery I wonder if the Auditorium could help out by hosting an on going rendition of Michale Jackson's Thriller with real dead people.