Monday, February 28, 2011

Profile: Lynn Daily Item Commenter HotMomma

Ever wonder who the people are behind the comments at the end of Lynn Daily Item "news" articles. Well we here at the Daily Tomato wonder the same thing. We have done some investigative reporting to bring you the truth about those who feel the need to comment on every little up and down of Lynn politics and along the way make snide comments about each other. Our first profile is of HotMomma.

It turns out that HotMomma is neither hot or a momma. He is actually Edward Nerdabacker III. Edward lives in the basement of his mom's house on Eastern Ave and can always be counted to be one of the first to comment on a story. This is likely because he has been up all night playing World of Warcraft where is avatar is the powerful sorceress Vixen. HotMomma can be regularly found railing against city hall and making fun of his fellow commenter on the Item webpage on almost a daily basis.

Ugly Vegetable of the Week

Is it ugly? Is it pornographic? Probably both but it won some online ugly vegetable contest so it is good enough for our Ugly Vegetable of the Week.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Lynn Auditorium Nabs Fossils of Rock Tour

By Eclectic Prune

City Hall Community Development Director Leslie Swamp announced today that the Lynn Auditorium has booked the ground-breaking Fossils of Rock Tour this summer.

Fossils of Rock was brought to life by Lynn Community College Scientist Jehosephat Brimley when he discovered the secret of reanimating dinosaur DNA. It wasn't long before the new science was applied to restoring the remains of such legendary rock bands as T-Rex, Stegosaurus Jr., Pangea, Igneous and Continental Drift. Headlining will be the Elton John tribute band Crocodile Rock.

"There is just such a huge demand to see these giants of rock n' roll again," said Swamp. "I remember when I was a kid, we used to get these plastic replicas of the dinosaurs at Christmas. Now people will be able to experience the real thing."

"Fossils of Rock will attract the key demographic of 80-somethings we're looking for to revitalize Downtown," said Swamp. But, she stressed, some things move very slowly. "It's a lot like evolution. A new facade here. Antique streetlights there. Having this tour come here is the once-in-a-lifetime mutation that will propel the process forward. All the more good will come from the destruction they leave in their wake. There are a lot of vacant and dilapidated buildings that need to come down."

Rock critic Stephan D. Gourd can't wait for the summer. "Hopefully it will be nice and humid by that time. Legends like Lemmy NooseDangler of T-Rex lay down the most rock-solid bass-line you can imagine when conditions are ripe. The vocals will be earth-shattering. Of course they're accustomed to playing in an environment where fruit flies are the size of Toyota Prii, but we have to work with the conditions of the Holocene epoch."

Many residents, however, are wary of the increased presence of undesirable primates the tour will attract. "You'll get all the Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon gang elements from the North Shore invading our territory," said longtime resident Richard Crustworthy. I hope the city does right and gets police reinforcements for this night."

Swamp calls these fears exaggerated. "Homo-sapiens are welcome too. We won't let the crowd get out of hand. Oh, and this isn't just one night. We've booked a whole weekend of shows. We have access here in Lynn to cutting edge technologies--genetic reconstruction, fiber optic networks and Windows 3. It would be a shame to waste them on acts no one is interested in anymore."

Free parking for the tour will be provided by the Brown Cow cafe and the new nightclub, Velociraptor.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Important PSA for all Fathers in Lynn

DPW Receives Largest Fine From Inspectional Services Over Poor Snow Removal

During last nights City Council vote to make permanent new snow removal rules it was revealed that Inspectional Services leveled a $40,000 fine against the Department of Public Works for its poor snow removal during winter storms in December, January and February.

Asked about the large fine Inspector Marc Clouseau III, Director of Inspectional Services, said "Did you see Chathum St? It was essentially a one way street even after going to even side parking. And you have to feel for those down town Lynn loft dwellers. They had no where to park when they went to Turbine Wine Bar for Wednesday Trivia."

Leaving the Council meeting last night DPW commissioner Jump Gun could be heard mumbling "I will show you snow removal. Lets see you dig out of your house Mr. Clouseau when we dump your whole streets snow in your driveway!"

Asked what he with this new windfall for Inspectional Services the Director of Inspectional Services replied "I think my municipal license plate will look good on one of those new Cadillac Escalades."

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Opinion: The Lynn Daily Tomato Calls for the Creation of a new City Department of Magical Thinking

Lets face it. The city of Lynn faces a lot of problems. We have crumbling schools and streets. The rat gangs are taking over the city along with the human gangs. It has gotten so bad that the federal government will not even make fighter jet engines that the Air Force does not want here.

But the thing about fixing all these problems is that they cost money. But who wants to pay more property taxes. The Head Tomato certainty does not! With an average single family tax bill of $3631 Lynn tax payers are being asked for too much even though our average tax is is way below the state average.

This is way we propose the creation of a city department for Magical Thinking. We have all seen the Harry Potter movies. Think of all the problems that could be solved. I am sure a potion could be cooked up to fill up those potholes. Too much snow, we could have a sweeping snow removing spell. Rats could be zapped and gang members could be stupefied to be hauled off to jail. And we all know Richard Fortucci could use a cloak of invisibility when he walks past the Mayors office for his 10th coffee break in 2 hours.

It is clear that this is the solution for all our problems. I little magical thinking and Lynn will become the jewel of the north shore that we know it can become. Mayor Kennedy, Council President Phelan, put aside your dispute and get this done for the city.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Gunn Declares State of Emergency

The Tomato would like to introduce its first article from our new intrepid correspondent Eclectic Prune.

By Eclectic Prune
In what many are considering a pre-emptive strike against the elements, DPW commissioner Jump Gunn announced today that Lynn is under a permanent state of emergency due to this morning's snowfall. "I woke up this mornning and nearly had a panic attack. According to all our computer models, this ones going to be a douzy," said Gunn. He was referring to the computer recently installed in his office and obtained through a Batton up the Hatches grant from the National Weather Service.

"Once I give the order to turn those blue light thingies on, the city is mine," said Gunn.

By 6AM, a gossamer sheet of ice crystals covered the city. This time we're prepared," grinned Gunn. "I have unilaterally suspended all street parking until further notice, called up our reserve ploughing force and will shoot on sight anyone seen blowing snow in the street. I just can't let this one get away or the mayor might try to can me."

The city council assured Gunn his job was not on the line. Said council president Sarah Failin, "I am a hundred percent behind Gunn. He is showing real leadership here. Besides, by declaring the state of emergency, Gunn has taken complete control of the city. There's nothing I can do."

Some are accusing Gunn of premature snow eradification.

Mayor Woody Ubuzz-off would not return phone calls to his office. Sources close to Gunn say the mayor is chained and muzzled behind City Hall.

According to eyewitnesses, Gunn could later be seen wandering downtown proclaiming, "Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! blow! You cataracts and blizzards, snow till you have drenched our steeples, buried the cocks!"

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Ugly Vegetable of the Week

The Lynn Daily Tomato roles out its first regular feature "Ugly Vegetable of the Week." We start with this grumpy tomato because it gave us the inspiration for our blogs name. It is both humorous and grumpy at the same time. That could define our mission in the world.

If you want to nominate your own vegetables just post your photo to our facebook page and who knows your ugly vegetable might make the cut. My guess is that you downtown Lynners will have some nice rotten material you could shoot from the produce department of the downtown Lynn Shaws. Get those iPhone pictures clicking!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Lynn School Committee Approves New Assistant Superintendent for Paper Shuffling

At this weeks meeting the Lynn School Committee approved the hiring of a new Assistant Superintendent for Paper Shuffling. The new position with a six figure salary and person confidential secretary will be responsible for moving paper from one side of their desk to another along with other unspecified tasks.

School Committee member Edie McAeded said of her vote approving the hire "Dr. Latham has been looking really tired recently. Those of us who voted in the affirmative have been really worried about her. I mean she has a whole lot of paper to shuffle around and it heavy. It is a lot more work then those lazy teachers with only 35 students in their classroom. Those classrooms could easily have 10 to 15 more students without causing more stress for the teachers."

There was also talk at the school committee meeting about purchasing an all expenses paid spa day in Cancun for Dr. Latham. However, the city lawyer indicated that might raise some eyebrows over at the State Attorney Generals Office.

Lynn City Clerk Jerry Mander Announces New Ward Map

Today Jerry Mander, the newly appoint Assistant City Clerk for Maps and Wards, announced the new redrawn ward maps.

"Because of the 2010 Census we needed to make it look like we did some adjustment to our wards. Plus I need to justify the $120,000 salary and $50,000 a year confidential secretary. So Ward 5 will get a piece of Ward 4 and Wards 4 and 2 will trade some streets." Mr Mander announced.

Asked why the downtown core where the most people of color and low income folks live will continue to be split up amongst all the wards Mr. Mander replied "It would be dangerous to let that rabble get their own voting block and have true representation on the City Council. It is much better to have their current representatives wisely make decisions for the poor souls. Also, it would be sad for Billy Trahant to lose his seat and not have the money to buy those awesome state flag themed sweaters he likes to wear to council meetings."

Friday, February 18, 2011

After 84 hours of testimony Fortucci to stay . . . Kenney to flip her lid

The Lynn City Council listened, then listened some more, then asked some questions, then listened some more and then talked a little bit all covered live over Lynn public access TV. These hard working City Councilors strove to find the truth and nothing but the truth, working hard to serve the needs of hardworking Lynn taxpayers.

Ward 8 Councilor Joey McBerlisconi stated of the hearings "You know we were all just so tired of trying to figure out boring things like snow removal, fixing potholes and making sure our kids do not kill each other on the street. It is much more fun to watch a slug fest between the Mayor and one of her top department heads. It was great, we popped popcorn, mixed some energy drink cocktails and ask periodic obnoxious questions to egg them on."

The slug fest did seem a little long at times. At one point, during a particularly scintillating argument of the actuarial tables for cafeteria workers, Billy (remember the Alamo) Trahant seemed to doze off and Councilor Cahill was flicking spitwods in to Councilor Duffy's helmet hair.

Asked whats next after the whole Council voted to keep Fortucci Councilor McBerlisconi replied "honestly we all think Fortucci is incompetent but we decided to vote to keep him because we know there will be another inevitable blow up between him and the Mayor. Hopefully it will come when we are having to deals with budgets, economic development and all that other boring stuff they make us talk about."