Saturday, March 19, 2011

Alonzo Lewis and the Water Haters

We dry fruits and juicy vegetables here at the Tomato are happy to discover a fellow scribe that amuses us. We refer to none other than that illustrious chronicler of all things Lynn: Alonzo Lewis. Along with James Newall, he penned the definitive History of Lynn in 1865. It remains a classic. Herewith is a snippet we would like to share:
"Were it not for the social intercourse, I would as soon be confined in a prison cell as in a room twelve feet square, with a hot stove, and six or eight persons breathing the heated air over and over again, long after it is rendered unfit to sustain life... The subject of bathing, too, requires more attention. There are many people in Lynn, as there are in all other places, who never washed themselves all over in their lives, and who would as soon think of taking a journey through the air in a balloon, as of going under water. How they contrive to exist I cannot imagine; they certainly do not exist in the highest degree of happiness, if happiness consists in the enjoyment of that free and buoyant mind which is nourished by pure air and clean water. Some of these water haters, a few years since made a law, that boys should not bathe in sight of any house; yet they have furnished no bathing houses; and there are no secluded places, excepting where the lives of children would be endangered. Thus they not only refuse to bathe themselves, but prevent the young, by a heavy penalty, from enjoying one of the purest blessings and highest luxuries of existence. Perhaps nothing is more conducive to health than sea -bathing. I do not wish for a return of the "olden time," with all its errors and absurdities, but I do desire a return to that simplicity which is born of purity."
We heartily agree with Alonzo. Nothing gets our goat cheese in a whiz more than the prohibition to enjoy that which is freely available to us by virtue of the benevolence of the Creator. Aye. To bathe, perchance to cleanse us of our toe cheese. We will not desist until the unhealthy ordinance is repealed.

We look to Joey McBerlesconi to lead the way, for only he is running on a platform of good hygeine. Joey McBerlesconi: Making Ocean Bathing Acceptable Again. Because we have more important things to worry about. (This message was approved by the committee to elect McBerlesconi )


  1. "Tis not all those, who eat thy heavenly tomatoes daily with same intelligence, To Not Thy Believe You." ~ AL

  2. If you see Joey, please request to lift the 'hanging out at park or school garden after dark ordinance'. Our freedoms have lost to old times.
    And get those firepits going again at the beach, to get Night bathing going again.

  3. Didn't take long to find The Zach Galifianakis Swimsuit Calendar.

    I can see the resemblance.