1950's Values…21st Century Hallucinations

Timothy Phelan for Councillor at Large. Yeah, you heard me. Who doesn't like values that go back 60 years? McCarthyism, the Cold War, segregation, conformity…those were some of our country's best years.

Tim fought for transparency in city government and won…now you can see right through it! MC Tim hosts Rat Pack Club live from City Hall. Every other week, the air-raid siren signals that it's time to gather in the fallout shelter to watch Tim and his Mousekateers.

Tim Phelan put the City Council on Twitter so all the hip kids could follow it! (Still no Facebook page, though) @LynnCouncil follows all the key players: Will Wheaton, Dane Cook and Mandy Moore. In the back rooms of city hall, someone's tweeting their brains out.

Tim successfully proposed and passed 3 separate ordinances PROHIBITING AMUSEMENT PARKS FOR THIRD DEGREE PERVERTS, THE DANGLING OF NAUGHTY PARTS IN BLACK BOX THEATRES and TRANSFATS SERVED PAST 10 O'ClOCK.

Tim successfully fought to muzzle that doggie in the window.

Tim loves this city! He even had someone shoot a YouTube video collage to prove it.

Tim is a life-long Lynner, in other words hip, groovy and cool, not a stick in the mud at all. As a senior at Lynn English, he successfully supported the Fonz's effort to jump the shark. He found his thrill on Blueberry Hill and walked down lonely street to Heartbreak Hotel. To know, know, know him, is to love, love, love him. Vote Timothy Phelan this November 8th and keep 1950's values alive! Happy Days!

Tim Phelan--Moving Lynn Back to the 50s.

Exclusive! Goldfish Pond Reveals Deep Dark Secrets!!

Chip Clancy's old computer

Just one day before the annual GoldFish Pond Fun & Flea Day, the Tomato has uncovered a conspiracy at the highest levels of city government to cover-up the discovery of valuable historical artifacts found when the pond was drained last fall to make repairs on the stone walls that gird its watery depths!

The Goldfish Pond Scrolls are among the most potentially damaging of these finds and reveal shocking secrets that descendants of the the Ingalls clan would prefer remain untold. Edmund Ingalls and his family, the first settlers of the area, were Puritans who disdained the flamboyant conduct of their fellow settlers on the Revere Beach Parkway.

So they moved to an area of Lynn then known as Swamphole and dug a heart-shaped ditch, filled it with water, threw in some goldfish and called it day. The rest, as they say, is history.

Among the other shocking historical artifacts found in the depths of the pond:

• Salvaged computers from the Chip Clancy administration. JFK would really like to get her hands on these! Who knows what incriminating email threads reside on these hard drives?
• Obama's Kenyan birth certificate.
• The remains of the egg that hatched Newt Gingrich.

Our intrepid reporter

The Lynn Daily Tomato Guide to Surviving Hurricane Irene

Wait until the winds start to pick up, then go out to buy a couple of suitcases of Bud at Discount Liquors to ride out the storm.

Go to Lynnway Liquors and buy a Central Square Chardonnay and an Oxford St. Pino Noir to go with your Swiss Chard and Artichoke Quiche made with produce purchased at the Marblehead Farmer's Market. (You live in Lynn and our Farmer's Market closes well before you get out of work.)

Find yourself a sick, I mean safe, building.

Stock up on dead rats to feed the pitbulls.

Buy enough Peanut Butter, Fluff and Wonder Bread to feed an entire army of jaywalkers.

Don't forget to attend the Turbine after-party early Monday morning.

Set up a toll both on the Nahant Causeway and extort money from residents trying to evacuate.

Tempt the fates by scaling High Rock Tower.

Schedule an outdoor event.

Pretend you're the ghost of a pirate and hole up in Dungeon Rock.

Oh, Say Can You See

The Lynn Department of PyroTourism recently launched a new program to bring tourist dollars into Lynn for the 4th of July weekend. As part of its Holiday Hood Style initiative, the city plans to dispense with its officially sponsored Fireworks extravaganza and instead take advantage of the numerous illegal fireworks displays.

Pyrotourism coordinator Cokie Kristofferson puts it this way: "It became apparent to us that the quote unquote amateur displays were out-shining our official fireworks in longevity, creativity and loudness. So the TNT bus tour will take its place."

Seven TNT tourbuses, recently acquired from Buster's Bus Inc., feature glass ceilings through which paying passengers get an unobstructed view of the festivities as they travel through Lynn's diverse neighborhoods. Bunghole Liquors has paid for naming rights for the new event.

"We're calling it the Bunghole Bomber Independence Day Spectacular," said Bunghole spokesman Thaddeus Warner Higgins. "Pay a little extra and we give you the full immersion experience. Not only do you get to ride the bus, you also get to lodge with an actual child-support-paying dad as he watches his paycheck blow up."

Not to be outdone, Downtown will also get into the action by hosting an art auction called FireWorks and Fluff: the Abstract Art Explosions of Durkee and Mower. Pieces to be auctioned off include "Wanksta Surprise," "Slumdog Covered in Marshmellow" and "Peanutbutter and Fluff Massacre." The "Fire Ho's" will provide the entertainment.

"If you think about it, fireworks are like farts...explosions from people's backyards, only ear-shattering," said Lynn Arts Director Patience Prufrock. "And smelly." And so Lynn Arts will host a "Farts After Hours" cocktail hour as a way for people get some release after the auction.

"We'll know it's done when we just hear a fart every two to three seconds," said Prufrock.

DMT: Just Say No to Trash

In a move many are heralding as just plain silly, the Lynn Department of Magical Thinking has banned all trash from the city. Trash barrels could be seen feeling very lonely and commiserating in support groups outside city limits.

"From now on, we're strictly a carry-in carry-out community," said DMT Director Harvey Keck. "Abracadabra," he then blurted.

After an uncomfortably long silence, Keck resumed, "No trash shall either enter or leave city limits. Boo!"

When asked if his second statement contradicted his first, Keck replied, "It's somewhat of a paradox, isn't it? Yahtzee!"

"But the limitation to 3 barrels of trash per household or business worked so well in decreasing the rat population that we decided it only made sense to take this approach to its logical conclusion. Shazam!"

The Power of Words

Harvey Keck is a believer in the power of words. " We tweaked that trash ordinance every which way but loose, change a word here, a comma there. Each time we noticed a definite change for the better in people's behavior, even when we clearly didn't have the resources to implement the changes. All these months spent hammering out this solution in Ma Keck's basement has proved to be worth it. That's a big 10-4, Sasquatch!"

Such awesome power is not to be trifled with. But Keck believes that he has mojo on his side. "I was born under the seventh sign and I'm the seventh son of mayor Darius Keck. Bingo!"

The Rat Diaspora

Since the ban was decreed, rat refugee camps have been spring up along Lynn's borders with Swampscott, Salem, Revere and Saugus. the United Species Commission for Animal Displacement issued the following statement: "We deplore the angst this trash ban has caused amongst our fecund furry friends. What'd they ever do? Oh, yeah. Nevermind."

Angelina Jolie has joined forces with Willard and Ben to speak up for the displaced rodent population. "I am coming to Lynn, but not to shoot a movie scene. Those rats need my help. Shame on Harvey Keck."

Willard and Ben had no comment, but nodded vigorously when asked if Lynn had gone to the dogs.

Manny to teach Lynn kids to "Just Say No!"

Recently retired slugger Manny Remirez will be hitting the speaking circuit now that he has retired from professional baseball. One of his first stops will be the city of Lynn's schools where he will talk about where a drug free life can take you. "Manny feels really strongly that kids should just say no to drugs. Look where his drug free life has taken him," said Manny's publicist. This will be Manny's first stop on a year long tour all over the United States and the Dominican Republic. The tour is being sponsored by Lance Armstrong's Live Strong foundation. Other former MLB players, including Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Mark McGwire, will be touring other cities.

Northshore Navigators to Replace Red Sox at Fenway Opener

Red Sox officials announced last night that due to poor performance the high priced Red Sox players would be replaced by the Northshore Navigators players. Theo Epstien is said to be very frustrated by the lack of performance by his nearly one billion dollar payroll and figures to give the kids from Fraser Field a chance to play in the big leagues. An un-named source close to Epstien is quoted as saying "They can't be any worse than those Bentley driving bozos we got in there now. Maybe the Navigator kids can do a little David and Galiuth with the Yankees tonight."

The Navigators are said to be ecstatic about the chance to play at historic Fenway Park and against the legendary New York Yankees no less. "Can you believe it!" hollered backup catcher Chip Throwsome, "we get to play in Fenway Park. I can't wait to try and hit one over the Monster."

High priced free agent acquisition Carl Crawford is said to be despondent over being replaced by a bunch of kids who could not even make it into the major leagues for opening day.

Happy Opening Day from the Tomato!!

Westboro Baptist Church to Open Online Bigotry Office in Lynn

The Westboro Baptist Church announced today that they will be opening a satellite office for this Kansas based church in Lynn. The focus of the new office will online bigotry according to their spokesperson B.S. Crazy.

"We keep a close eye on the comment section of the Lynn Daily Item and it is clear that there is some real talent for online bigotry in that city." Ms. Crazy stated at her press conference. "We have wanted to spread our reach both online and out east and Lynn, Lynn City of Sin seemed like a great fit for us."

They will be hiring 10 new positions that they are calling Online Bigotry Correspondents. Their job will be to monitor the comment sections of online newspapers and blogs and insert Westboro brand of dialog to the comment stream.

They have already hired the top two positions in the office with the Daily Item commenters Caligula being hired for Director of Bigotry Messaging and Agamemnus to Director of Bigotry Online Operations. "These two have a great track record of consistent bigoted comments on the Daily Item website and we think they will be perfect to head our national operations." Ms. Crazy stated at the press conference.

Ward 8 Councilor Joey McBurlisconi gave the new office a big thumbs up. "This is exactly what Lynn needs. More technology sector jobs and it taps into a talent base you can only really find in Lynn." When asked about what he felt about the bigoted nature of the office Mr. McBurlisconi added, "a jobs a job."

A Job Not Done

It's tough being head of Inspectional Services. Have you tried dealing with those asbestos-sniffing school janitors and their sick time requests?

No, Inspectional Services isn't all it's cracked up to be, ticketing all those senior citizens and disabled people for not shovelling their sidewalks! Doesn't City Hall appreciate all the extra revenue Mike "It's Done Now" Donovan brought in? When a winter like this comes along, you have to take advantage of it. Where white powdery substances are concerned, Donovan's your man. Or not.

The head of INSPECTIONAL services doesn't check for LICENSES when hiring a contractor to remove ASBESTOS from a SCHOOL???!!! There is so much wrong with that sentence that our head is about to explode. Quick, wrap us in asbestos!

So without further ado, we present Mike "It's Done Now" Donovan with the Bartholmew JoJo Simpson "I didn't do it" Award for incompetence and/or negligence of cartoonishly stupendous proportions.

Oh, it's done now, Mike. Can you all say it with me? I DIDN'T DO IT.

Marshall Middle School Student Council Race Heats Up

Things are starting to get rolling for the Marshall Middle School student council races for next year. It is mostly the same cast of characters from past years. In the At-Large race it looks like Pauly Crowley, Danny Cahil, Stevie Duffy, Timmy Phelan are back in it. We will see if shop stalwart Stevie Duffy will have the same lunch money controversy that he had the last go around and if Pauly Crowley will get any blow back from his involvement in the controversial redevelopment of the historic playground into a 7-11. With his deep war chest Timmy Phelan is clearly eying bigger prizes in the near future and we will see if up-in-coming youngster Danny Cahil gains any ground in his goal of becoming the next council president.

There are some challengers in the race who have already announced. Basketball standout Buzzy Burton is looking to translate his popularity into a seat on the student council so that he can be a pain in Timmy Phalen's behind. Young Clay Walsh has also jumped into the race and already is using Facebook and a fancy website to attract attention. As of yet no transfer students have entered the race. Because of the home town bias this growing constituency in the school still has a hard time getting elected to office. Rumor also has it that Teacher Advisory Committee member Johnny Ford might be thinking about going for an at-large student council seat.

Things have not gotten going yet in the hallway races. Hall 2's Billy Trahant and Hall 3's Darren Cyr are thought by many to be vulnerable to the right candidate but no one has stepped forward. As time moves forward we should start to hear more about the other Hallway races.

What is really interesting about this years student council race is how it will set up the Principle Pet race the following year. Judy Kennedy had an upset victory over Chipper Clancy last time around and rumor has it that a whole bunch of school polls think they have a shot at this position. It is clear that Timmy Phalen would love to be the next Pet and City Student Council Reps Tommy McGee, Bobby Fennel and Stevie Walsh are also thought to be mulling runs.

In future reporting the Tomato will take a closer look at how the Teacher Advisory Committee race is shaping up.

The Lewis Files

Someone rang our doorbell the other day and ran away. The Crips must be at it again, we thought. When we opened the door, we saw that the culprit had left a plain brown paper wrapped package. Immediately, we opened it. Along with some alien autopsy photos was the long-lost original manuscript of Alonzo Lewis' journals. Yes, that Alonzo Lewis, co-writer of the classic History of Lynn published in 1865. It is with great pleasure that we publish this important historical document. Here is an excerpt:

An abundance of wild jalopies frequent the thoroughfares and main arteries of our fair city. None heralds the commencement of Spring more so than the arrival of the Florescent Flanged Camaro (Camarus bombasticus). It approacheth on glittering oversized spinning rims, dual exhausts bleating. As this harbinger of the mating season draws closer to your proximity, you feel the window shattering bass in the marrow of your bones. Such sweet music!

It tweets of cop killing mofos and drug deals gone bad. If you you are fortunate, you live near a crossroads and the cessation of its movement allows you to savor its arrival. Such a sighting is greatly anticipated by the natives, who look out their windows in great admiration, mouths agape.

Opinion: Lynn Schools Overcrowded and Assistant Superintendent for Staplers the Answer

We here at the Lynn Daily Tomato would like to commend Superintendent Lathum's forward thinking plan to address overcrowding in our elementary school classrooms. Clearly hiring a new Assistant Superintendent for staplers is the answer.

It is a brilliant move. With this new person in the school administration headquarters moving paper from one side of their desk to the other and making sure everyone is well stocked in staples and paper shredders it will give Superintendent Lathum more time to ponder the weighty issues of the day. A little breathing room in her daily life you might say.

We agree this is definitely the best way to spend $150 grand in salary and benefits, not to mention an additional $50 grand for a confidential secretary (because we all know the Lynn School Department is kind of like the CIA). And you cannot forget the car the city will need to buy this person. A brand new Cadillac Escalade should be the ticket.

We agree with Superintendent Lathum that this $200 grand should not be spent in other ways. What are a couple extra class room teachers, easing the size pressure in our schools, in comparison to the mental health benefits to you Ms. Lathum. We applaud you for caring so much for the kids by paying so close attention to your own needs. Kudos Lathum! Kudos!

Item Announces New Photo Spread Section

Lynn Daily Item photo editor Arnie Pretty announce today a new photo spread section for both the print and online version of the paper. The plan is to start with a photo spread called "Kennedy on the Crapper" which will feature pictures of of Mayor Kennedy taking a shit. "We just do not feel like we have done a very good job of taking flattering pictures of the Mayor" pointed out Mr. Pretty. He then referenced the photo that went with the March 24th Item front page article. "We feel that the photos of Ms. Kennedy on the can will be a dramatic improvement," Mr. Pretty continued.

Future editions will include "On the Beach" featuring the City Council in bikini briefs, "Fill'in Holes" featuring DPW workers filling pots holes and "Taken the Test" featuring school administration and school committee members attempting to take the MCAS test. All photo spreads will be available for public purchase in calendar formate with all proceeds going to Lynn Foundation. "It will show our city workers and politicians in a more intimate and positive light as well as raising money for important work in the city," Arne Pretty concluded excitedly.

Lynn Pair Pleats Guilty in Tuxedo Beating

A Lynn pair of cargo pants pled guilty to the involuntary suit-slaughter of a double-breasted tuxedo at Voyiagis Tuxedo and Tailors on Western Ave. today. The pants were sentenced to permanent display at Old Navy, never to be worn again.

The Fashion Police decreed that the pants must always wear a belt so as not to hang down and expose the undergarments, along with a T-shirt and thong sandals. Baggy trousers could not be reached for comment.

The tuxedo was beaten beyond recognition, its lapels ripped to shreds. In an effort to bring it back to life, Tennessee Tuxedo and Chumly are employing Mr. Whoopie's Way-back Machine to go back in time and prevent the horrific event. "I will not fail!" proclaimed Tennessee.

Alonzo Lewis and the Water Haters

We dry fruits and juicy vegetables here at the Tomato are happy to discover a fellow scribe that amuses us. We refer to none other than that illustrious chronicler of all things Lynn: Alonzo Lewis. Along with James Newall, he penned the definitive History of Lynn in 1865. It remains a classic. Herewith is a snippet we would like to share:

"Were it not for the social intercourse, I would as soon be confined in a prison cell as in a room twelve feet square, with a hot stove, and six or eight persons breathing the heated air over and over again, long after it is rendered unfit to sustain life... The subject of bathing, too, requires more attention. There are many people in Lynn, as there are in all other places, who never washed themselves all over in their lives, and who would as soon think of taking a journey through the air in a balloon, as of going under water. How they contrive to exist I cannot imagine; they certainly do not exist in the highest degree of happiness, if happiness consists in the enjoyment of that free and buoyant mind which is nourished by pure air and clean water. Some of these water haters, a few years since made a law, that boys should not bathe in sight of any house; yet they have furnished no bathing houses; and there are no secluded places, excepting where the lives of children would be endangered. Thus they not only refuse to bathe themselves, but prevent the young, by a heavy penalty, from enjoying one of the purest blessings and highest luxuries of existence. Perhaps nothing is more conducive to health than sea -bathing. I do not wish for a return of the "olden time," with all its errors and absurdities, but I do desire a return to that simplicity which is born of purity."

We heartily agree with Alonzo. Nothing gets our goat cheese in a whiz more than the prohibition to enjoy that which is freely available to us by virtue of the benevolence of the Creator. Aye. To bathe, perchance to cleanse us of our toe cheese. We will not desist until the unhealthy ordinance is repealed.

We look to Joey McBerlesconi to lead the way, for only he is running on a platform of good hygeine. Joey McBerlesconi: Making Ocean Bathing Acceptable Again. Because we have more important things to worry about. (This message was approved by the committee to elect McBerlesconi )

Re-Elect Joey McBerlisconi Event April 1st

We at the Tomato are happy to announce our support for the Re Election Campaign for Ward 8 Councilor Joey McBerlisconi. We support Joey's re-election bid to represent Lynn's smallest ward (bordered by Manne Blvd, the Lynnway and the ocean) because he clearly the most qualified. He is a life long Lynner whose family goes back generations in Lynn. That is really the only qualification he really needs. We clearly do not want any non-lifelong-Lynners to be elected to office. What do they have to offer this city?

So join us in this fundraiser for Joey! Visit our facebook event page for more information for this event.We would also like to thank the Athana Family for letting us use their abandon restaurant Anthony's Hawthorn for this event. They will clearly have Jeoy's vote on the eminent domain issue.

Lynn: Ya Bunch of Perverts

We decided to go trolling through our website stats today (Charlie Sheen style) to see who has been visiting us and what you like to read on our site. And by this morning we really mean three or for times a day. Anyways, we have found some interesting things:

First of all we seem to have a bit of an audience in Russia. привет (you gotta love Google Translate) my Russian friends. Are you actually interested in what we have going on here in Lynn or are you just trying to figure out how to hack our site. You can have what we have earned from adsense if you like. We have earned like .77cents so far. (to my readers start clicking on those ads, our Russian friends have kids to put through college.)

Secondly, Lynn you are a bunch of perves! I mean all we have to do is mention "Naked Ladies" or "Spotted Dicks" and our hits go through the roof. I guess we should not be surprised by this considering what comes up in "What People in Lynn Are Watching" recommended list on Netflix. I see "Kama Sutra" is up there right now. Any reviews?

Lastly the readers of heartoflynn.blogspot.com love us! That site is is by far our biggest referral site. DowntownLynn.com, LynnHappens.com, LynnsideEdition, LynnSchoolWatch, get on the ball! Now heartoflynn, besides wanting to save ad bunch of woods and a big rock do you and your readers have a bit of a pervy streak. Because the hits coming from your site would seem to indicate such.

Love Ya Lynn Lynn City of Sin! Keep up the pervyness!

Spotted Dick For All!!

By Eclectic Prune

I know that Lynn is renowned for the diversity of it's ethnic food, but this is ridiculous. Just because St. Paddy's day is coming up doesn't mean the Shaw's on Market St. can sell this stuff. What message does this send to our young people? That prostitution is wrong and morally degrading to women, yet Spotted Dick and Treacle are readily available over the counter? I smell a new ordinance.

Lynn didn't get its reputation as the city of sin for nothing. There are least two prostitutes for every John on Union St. Now that they're going to dig it up, where will they all go? If the past is any indication, I think we can plan on them moving to the Ingall's school farm. The neighbors will not like this at all.

WikiLeeks Exposes Rat Syndicate Plot

In recently released documents from the WikiLeeks (the recently created Lynn based online organization whose mission is to ferret out the truth about what goes on in the city) a plot by the local Rat Syndicate has been exposed. Below are transcriptions of actual internal communications from the Rat Syndicate. Whiskers is believed to be the head of the syndicate and Snubtale is one of Whiskers top lieutenants.

Transcribed text:

To: Snubtale

From: Whiskers

Date: November 17th

Subject: Puleo Operation

Snubtale, I would like to congratulate you on your unit operation targeting Margaret Puleo. Judging from the news coverage at the Item it is having its desired effect. We need to keep these humans pointed in the wrong direction.

Good work,

Whiskers

To: Whiskers

From: Snubtale

Date: November 18th

Subject: Re: Puleo Operation

Thank you,

It was laughably easy. All had to do is send a couple of my boys scurrying along her fence between her yard and the garden during times that I new she would notice. It was brilliant of you to target her. She blew her lid and easily convinced those doorknobs on the city council to put up a fuss.

Talk to you soon,

Snubtale

To: Snubtale

From: Whiskers

Date: November 20th

Subject: Re: Puleo Operation

Sorry it has taken me a couple of days to get back to you. I have been at some important meetings with other gangs in the city. The Crips and the Bloods have been impressed with our work. They love that that Puleo and those dunderheads Cyr and Trahant blame the garden for human gangs in the area. They want us to push harder and see if the we can get the garden shut down. The Food Project has been hampering their recruitment.

But you and I know we need to keep this at a low boil. The longer we can keep the city government distracted by this garden the longer they will not pay attention to those areas that are important to us. The way this city handles garbage collection and vacant houses is perfect for us.

Anyways, tell you boys I have a 5 day old Little Ceazars pizza and half eaten Dunken's donut waiting for them at headquarters as a reward for work well done.

Yours,

Whiskers.

End of Transcriptions

Our colleagues over at WikiLeeks tell us they have many more communications like this one that they plan on releasing in the coming weeks. We at the Tomato will stay on top of this reporting for our readers.

Attack of the Shopping Cart

As the snow recedes the metal contraptions are everywhere. As the winter progressed shopping carts have been abandoned from their intended use in carrying our cans of tomatoes, bathroom tissue, and recycled cans and bottles in the enormous snow banks that were all over the city.

Can collector Tim Khan complained "Have you ever tried to lug a shopping cart full of the cans and bottles people have littered in the streets over a 6 foot snowbank? It is impossible! I ditched my cart in mid-February."

The result is that there are shopping carts all over the place, in the gold fish pond, play grounds, Darren Cyr's garage, and they have become a real public safety issue.

Ward 8 Councilor Joey McBerlisconi pointed out "What? Should we be doing something about the actual trash in the city. The leftover Little Ceasars Pizza boxes, the Dunkin cups and bags and remnants of last nights dinner are not the real trash problem in this city. Its those damn shopping carts. They just get in the way and dent the paint job on my Toyota Forerunner." According to McBerlisconi the City Council is looking to increase the fine issued to markets from $2 to $2.50 per cart found. "We will likely take in $50 more dollars in fines annually," McBerlisconi added.

Profile: Lynn Daily Item Commenter jimmyinlynn

In today edition of our regular column about those who comment on Lynn Daily Item news stories we turn our jimmyinlynn. Jimmyinlynn is actually James Mayflower Prescott III of Marblehead. Mr. Prescott lives in one of those enormous mansions right on the ocean and works for a family owned hedge fund in Boston. The Mayflower in his name comes from the fact that his family actually owned the historical Mayflower of Pilgrim fame.

Mr Prescott is an avid follower of the working people blood sport known as Lynn City politics and the advent of the online addition of the Lynn Daily Item has allowed him to comment using the seemly Lynn working stiff handle of "jimmyinlynn." His other Lynn related past-time is borrowing his maid's car and going trolling for the ladies on Union St. at night.

Ugly Vegetable of the Week

For this week's Ugly Vegetable of the Week we dig into our own vegetable basket for this fossilized avocado. Apparently we had a hankering for some guacamole 10 years ago that was never realized. Maybe our avocado can make an appearance at the Fossils of Rock tour showing up at the auditorium later this year.

No Painted Naked People at Arts After Hours Event

The Lynn Daily Tomato is distressed to hear that there will not be any naked painted people at Bourbon Street 2011 being put on by Arts After Hours. We were really looking forward to seeing the lovely ladies with nothing on but painted bikinis, night gowns or mardi gras beads. We have been to the real Mardi Gras and we know it is all about the skin so we are disappointed that they decided to follow those fuddy duddy Lynn indecency laws.

But if you are one of those people who like to support good causes, have a night of fun, even if there is not going to be any skin, or eat good food then for gods sake PLEASE buy your ticket NOW. This event needs to sell out soon so that we can get our Facebook newsfeed back from the request to buy tickets that have been coming to two or three times an hour from DowntownLynn.com. It has become nearly impossible to find the posts about playing kittens and the Fox / MSNBC feud that we love so much.

Mayor Kennedy to get Throne

DPW Commissioner Jump Gunn had an epiphany as he hurdled through the earth after falling into a pothole at the corner of Alley and Commercial. "As I kept on falling through all those layers of rock and then the hot core of the earth I had a realization it was not very nice of me to take executive power from the administration during the state of emergency caused by this winter's storms," reported Commissioner Gunn at the press conference he held this morning after arriving back in Lynn from his ordeal. (Tomato correspondent Eclectic Prune reported earlier about Commissioner Gunn seizing power.)

When he finally made it through the earth to a small Chinese town just outside of Tibet, Gunn reports that he saw just what he could do. "There, at a little shop near the Chines pothole I came out of, it was. What better than a throne to help make the Mayor feel like a queen." Gunn continued. He told reporters that he would be sending a DPW crew over to install the above pictured "throne" in the mayor's office private bathroom tomorrow.

A source close to Tim Phalen says that the Council President is a little jealous and asked Dunn were he might purchase one to be installed in his bathroom at home.

Damn Do-Gooders!

Sure when you do something interesting like dig up history about our city and make it accessible to wider group of people we guess you will get some good attention. Well I guess that is what those folks over at CSI: Lynn have done with their Lynn Daily Item article and the 493 people who like them on their facebook page.

We over here at the Tomato say Pah! Who cares about a silly little dusty old book written by a bunch of Lynn brats a 100 years ago. All that old stuff should stay hidden! We would not want any actual pride to set into this sinful city!

And we at the Tomato are not jealous at all. We know that our offerings of horribly written, deceitful and snarky comments about Lynn will win out eventually. 20 people like us . . . we think. And even if they have "liked" us on facebook for much of the same reason people slow down at the crash scene on the highway we will take them.

So CONGRATULATIONS CSI: Lynn for all your do gooder goodness.

NEWS ALERT!: DPW Commissioner Jump Gunn Disappears into Giant Pothole

DPW Commissioner Jump Gunn's city issued Cadillac Escalade disappeared into a giant pothole that opened up on Commercial St. this afternoon with the Commissioner in it. Apparently Gunn was transporting his new computer issued to him by Mayor Kennedy from Lynn Tech to his DPW office.

DPW spokesperson Jump (Jumpy) Gunn Jr., also Gunn's son, reported, "Our dear leader and father fell into the pothole located at the corner of Commercial and Alley at 2pm this afternoon. It is quite a large pothole and reports indicated that it might come out in a pothole located in a province of China near Tibet. We ask for your prayers in this hard time."

The US Embassy in China has been contacted to keep an eye out for Gunn Senior according to an unidentified mayoral aid. A pothole specialist at Salem St. has pointed out that it could take a couple of days for Gunn Senior to make it through the planet and come out on the other end.

Upon hearing this news Gunn Jr. shreaked, "Nooooo!!! That computer had a quad core Intel Processor. I was going to play Halo all night long." He then stomped back into the DPW headquarters.

Stay tuned to the Lynn Daily Tomato for more updates on this quickly developing story.

Profile: Lynn Daily Item Commenter dont use my name

Continuing our on going feature exposing those who blather on and on in the Lynn Daily Item comment section we move to dont use my name.

It is pretty obvious why he does not want to use his name because the commenter known as dont use my name is none other the former mayor Chip Clancy. Known for diatribes against the present administration and odd non-sequitur like todays post about blasting the school department on an article about police unions good old Chipper (aka dont use my name) is biding his time spouting off in the anonymousness environs of the Lynn Daily Item comment section.

Profile: Lynn Daily Item Commenter HotMomma

Ever wonder who the people are behind the comments at the end of Lynn Daily Item "news" articles. Well we here at the Daily Tomato wonder the same thing. We have done some investigative reporting to bring you the truth about those who feel the need to comment on every little up and down of Lynn politics and along the way make snide comments about each other. Our first profile is of HotMomma.

It turns out that HotMomma is neither hot or a momma. He is actually Edward Nerdabacker III. Edward lives in the basement of his mom's house on Eastern Ave and can always be counted to be one of the first to comment on a story. This is likely because he has been up all night playing World of Warcraft where is avatar is the powerful sorceress Vixen. HotMomma can be regularly found railing against city hall and making fun of his fellow commenter on the Item webpage on almost a daily basis.

Ugly Vegetable of the Week

Is it ugly? Is it pornographic? Probably both but it won some online ugly vegetable contest so it is good enough for our Ugly Vegetable of the Week.

Lynn Auditorium Nabs Fossils of Rock Tour

By Eclectic Prune

City Hall Community Development Director Leslie Swamp announced today that the Lynn Auditorium has booked the ground-breaking Fossils of Rock Tour this summer.

Fossils of Rock was brought to life by Lynn Community College Scientist Jehosephat Brimley when he discovered the secret of reanimating dinosaur DNA. It wasn't long before the new science was applied to restoring the remains of such legendary rock bands as T-Rex, Stegosaurus Jr., Pangea, Igneous and Continental Drift. Headlining will be the Elton John tribute band Crocodile Rock.

"There is just such a huge demand to see these giants of rock n' roll again," said Swamp. "I remember when I was a kid, we used to get these plastic replicas of the dinosaurs at Christmas. Now people will be able to experience the real thing."

"Fossils of Rock will attract the key demographic of 80-somethings we're looking for to revitalize Downtown," said Swamp. But, she stressed, some things move very slowly. "It's a lot like evolution. A new facade here. Antique streetlights there. Having this tour come here is the once-in-a-lifetime mutation that will propel the process forward. All the more good will come from the destruction they leave in their wake. There are a lot of vacant and dilapidated buildings that need to come down."

Rock critic Stephan D. Gourd can't wait for the summer. "Hopefully it will be nice and humid by that time. Legends like Lemmy NooseDangler of T-Rex lay down the most rock-solid bass-line you can imagine when conditions are ripe. The vocals will be earth-shattering. Of course they're accustomed to playing in an environment where fruit flies are the size of Toyota Prii, but we have to work with the conditions of the Holocene epoch."

Many residents, however, are wary of the increased presence of undesirable primates the tour will attract. "You'll get all the Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon gang elements from the North Shore invading our territory," said longtime resident Richard Crustworthy. I hope the city does right and gets police reinforcements for this night."

Swamp calls these fears exaggerated. "Homo-sapiens are welcome too. We won't let the crowd get out of hand. Oh, and this isn't just one night. We've booked a whole weekend of shows. We have access here in Lynn to cutting edge technologies--genetic reconstruction, fiber optic networks and Windows 3. It would be a shame to waste them on acts no one is interested in anymore."

Free parking for the tour will be provided by the Brown Cow cafe and the new nightclub, Velociraptor.

Important PSA for all Fathers in Lynn

DPW Receives Largest Fine From Inspectional Services Over Poor Snow Removal

During last nights City Council vote to make permanent new snow removal rules it was revealed that Inspectional Services leveled a $40,000 fine against the Department of Public Works for its poor snow removal during winter storms in December, January and February.

Asked about the large fine Inspector Marc Clouseau III, Director of Inspectional Services, said "Did you see Chathum St? It was essentially a one way street even after going to even side parking. And you have to feel for those down town Lynn loft dwellers. They had no where to park when they went to Turbine Wine Bar for Wednesday Trivia."

Leaving the Council meeting last night DPW commissioner Jump Gun could be heard mumbling "I will show you snow removal. Lets see you dig out of your house Mr. Clouseau when we dump your whole streets snow in your driveway!"

Asked what he with this new windfall for Inspectional Services the Director of Inspectional Services replied "I think my municipal license plate will look good on one of those new Cadillac Escalades."

Opinion: The Lynn Daily Tomato Calls for the Creation of a new City Department of Magical Thinking

Lets face it. The city of Lynn faces a lot of problems. We have crumbling schools and streets. The rat gangs are taking over the city along with the human gangs. It has gotten so bad that the federal government will not even make fighter jet engines that the Air Force does not want here.

But the thing about fixing all these problems is that they cost money. But who wants to pay more property taxes. The Head Tomato certainty does not! With an average single family tax bill of $3631 Lynn tax payers are being asked for too much even though our average tax is is way below the state average.

This is way we propose the creation of a city department for Magical Thinking. We have all seen the Harry Potter movies. Think of all the problems that could be solved. I am sure a potion could be cooked up to fill up those potholes. Too much snow, we could have a sweeping snow removing spell. Rats could be zapped and gang members could be stupefied to be hauled off to jail. And we all know Richard Fortucci could use a cloak of invisibility when he walks past the Mayors office for his 10th coffee break in 2 hours.

It is clear that this is the solution for all our problems. I little magical thinking and Lynn will become the jewel of the north shore that we know it can become. Mayor Kennedy, Council President Phelan, put aside your dispute and get this done for the city.

Gunn Declares State of Emergency

The Tomato would like to introduce its first article from our new intrepid correspondent Eclectic Prune.

By Eclectic Prune

In what many are considering a pre-emptive strike against the elements, DPW commissioner Jump Gunn announced today that Lynn is under a permanent state of emergency due to this morning's snowfall. "I woke up this mornning and nearly had a panic attack. According to all our computer models, this ones going to be a douzy," said Gunn. He was referring to the computer recently installed in his office and obtained through a Batton up the Hatches grant from the National Weather Service.

"Once I give the order to turn those blue light thingies on, the city is mine," said Gunn.

By 6AM, a gossamer sheet of ice crystals covered the city. This time we're prepared," grinned Gunn. "I have unilaterally suspended all street parking until further notice, called up our reserve ploughing force and will shoot on sight anyone seen blowing snow in the street. I just can't let this one get away or the mayor might try to can me."

The city council assured Gunn his job was not on the line. Said council president Sarah Failin, "I am a hundred percent behind Gunn. He is showing real leadership here. Besides, by declaring the state of emergency, Gunn has taken complete control of the city. There's nothing I can do."

Some are accusing Gunn of premature snow eradification.

Mayor Woody Ubuzz-off would not return phone calls to his office. Sources close to Gunn say the mayor is chained and muzzled behind City Hall.

According to eyewitnesses, Gunn could later be seen wandering downtown proclaiming, "Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! blow! You cataracts and blizzards, snow till you have drenched our steeples, buried the cocks!"

Ugly Vegetable of the Week

The Lynn Daily Tomato roles out its first regular feature "Ugly Vegetable of the Week." We start with this grumpy tomato because it gave us the inspiration for our blogs name. It is both humorous and grumpy at the same time. That could define our mission in the world.

If you want to nominate your own vegetables just post your photo to our facebook page and who knows your ugly vegetable might make the cut. My guess is that you downtown Lynners will have some nice rotten material you could shoot from the produce department of the downtown Lynn Shaws. Get those iPhone pictures clicking!

Lynn School Committee Approves New Assistant Superintendent for Paper Shuffling

At this weeks meeting the Lynn School Committee approved the hiring of a new Assistant Superintendent for Paper Shuffling. The new position with a six figure salary and person confidential secretary will be responsible for moving paper from one side of their desk to another along with other unspecified tasks.

School Committee member Edie McAeded said of her vote approving the hire "Dr. Latham has been looking really tired recently. Those of us who voted in the affirmative have been really worried about her. I mean she has a whole lot of paper to shuffle around and it heavy. It is a lot more work then those lazy teachers with only 35 students in their classroom. Those classrooms could easily have 10 to 15 more students without causing more stress for the teachers."

There was also talk at the school committee meeting about purchasing an all expenses paid spa day in Cancun for Dr. Latham. However, the city lawyer indicated that might raise some eyebrows over at the State Attorney Generals Office.

Lynn City Clerk Jerry Mander Announces New Ward Map

Today Jerry Mander, the newly appoint Assistant City Clerk for Maps and Wards, announced the new redrawn ward maps.

"Because of the 2010 Census we needed to make it look like we did some adjustment to our wards. Plus I need to justify the $120,000 salary and $50,000 a year confidential secretary. So Ward 5 will get a piece of Ward 4 and Wards 4 and 2 will trade some streets." Mr Mander announced.

Asked why the downtown core where the most people of color and low income folks live will continue to be split up amongst all the wards Mr. Mander replied "It would be dangerous to let that rabble get their own voting block and have true representation on the City Council. It is much better to have their current representatives wisely make decisions for the poor souls. Also, it would be sad for Billy Trahant to lose his seat and not have the money to buy those awesome state flag themed sweaters he likes to wear to council meetings."

After 84 hours of testimony Fortucci to stay . . . Kenney to flip her lid

The Lynn City Council listened, then listened some more, then asked some questions, then listened some more and then talked a little bit all covered live over Lynn public access TV. These hard working City Councilors strove to find the truth and nothing but the truth, working hard to serve the needs of hardworking Lynn taxpayers.

Ward 8 Councilor Joey McBerlisconi stated of the hearings "You know we were all just so tired of trying to figure out boring things like snow removal, fixing potholes and making sure our kids do not kill each other on the street. It is much more fun to watch a slug fest between the Mayor and one of her top department heads. It was great, we popped popcorn, mixed some energy drink cocktails and ask periodic obnoxious questions to egg them on."

The slug fest did seem a little long at times. At one point, during a particularly scintillating argument of the actuarial tables for cafeteria workers, Billy (remember the Alamo) Trahant seemed to doze off and Councilor Cahill was flicking spitwods in to Councilor Duffy's helmet hair.

Asked whats next after the whole Council voted to keep Fortucci Councilor McBerlisconi replied "honestly we all think Fortucci is incompetent but we decided to vote to keep him because we know there will be another inevitable blow up between him and the Mayor. Hopefully it will come when we are having to deals with budgets, economic development and all that other boring stuff they make us talk about."