Oh, Say Can You See

The Lynn Department of PyroTourism recently launched a new program to bring tourist dollars into Lynn for the 4th of July weekend. As part of its Holiday Hood Style initiative, the city plans to dispense with its officially sponsored Fireworks extravaganza and instead take advantage of the numerous illegal fireworks displays.

Pyrotourism coordinator Cokie Kristofferson puts it this way: "It became apparent to us that the quote unquote amateur displays were out-shining our official fireworks in longevity, creativity and loudness. So the TNT bus tour will take its place."

Seven TNT tourbuses, recently acquired from Buster's Bus Inc., feature glass ceilings through which paying passengers get an unobstructed view of the festivities as they travel through Lynn's diverse neighborhoods. Bunghole Liquors has paid for naming rights for the new event.

"We're calling it the Bunghole Bomber Independence Day Spectacular," said Bunghole spokesman Thaddeus Warner Higgins. "Pay a little extra and we give you the full immersion experience. Not only do you get to ride the bus, you also get to lodge with an actual child-support-paying dad as he watches his paycheck blow up."

Not to be outdone, Downtown will also get into the action by hosting an art auction called FireWorks and Fluff: the Abstract Art Explosions of Durkee and Mower. Pieces to be auctioned off include "Wanksta Surprise," "Slumdog Covered in Marshmellow" and "Peanutbutter and Fluff Massacre." The "Fire Ho's" will provide the entertainment.

"If you think about it, fireworks are like farts...explosions from people's backyards, only ear-shattering," said Lynn Arts Director Patience Prufrock. "And smelly." And so Lynn Arts will host a "Farts After Hours" cocktail hour as a way for people get some release after the auction.

"We'll know it's done when we just hear a fart every two to three seconds," said Prufrock.