Oh, Say Can You See

The Lynn Department of PyroTourism recently launched a new program to bring tourist dollars into Lynn for the 4th of July weekend. As part of its Holiday Hood Style initiative, the city plans to dispense with its officially sponsored Fireworks extravaganza and instead take advantage of the numerous illegal fireworks displays.

Pyrotourism coordinator Cokie Kristofferson puts it this way: "It became apparent to us that the quote unquote amateur displays were out-shining our official fireworks in longevity, creativity and loudness. So the TNT bus tour will take its place."

Seven TNT tourbuses, recently acquired from Buster's Bus Inc., feature glass ceilings through which paying passengers get an unobstructed view of the festivities as they travel through Lynn's diverse neighborhoods. Bunghole Liquors has paid for naming rights for the new event.

"We're calling it the Bunghole Bomber Independence Day Spectacular," said Bunghole spokesman Thaddeus Warner Higgins. "Pay a little extra and we give you the full immersion experience. Not only do you get to ride the bus, you also get to lodge with an actual child-support-paying dad as he watches his paycheck blow up."

Not to be outdone, Downtown will also get into the action by hosting an art auction called FireWorks and Fluff: the Abstract Art Explosions of Durkee and Mower. Pieces to be auctioned off include "Wanksta Surprise," "Slumdog Covered in Marshmellow" and "Peanutbutter and Fluff Massacre." The "Fire Ho's" will provide the entertainment.

"If you think about it, fireworks are like farts...explosions from people's backyards, only ear-shattering," said Lynn Arts Director Patience Prufrock. "And smelly." And so Lynn Arts will host a "Farts After Hours" cocktail hour as a way for people get some release after the auction.

"We'll know it's done when we just hear a fart every two to three seconds," said Prufrock.

DMT: Just Say No to Trash

In a move many are heralding as just plain silly, the Lynn Department of Magical Thinking has banned all trash from the city. Trash barrels could be seen feeling very lonely and commiserating in support groups outside city limits.

"From now on, we're strictly a carry-in carry-out community," said DMT Director Harvey Keck. "Abracadabra," he then blurted.

After an uncomfortably long silence, Keck resumed, "No trash shall either enter or leave city limits. Boo!"

When asked if his second statement contradicted his first, Keck replied, "It's somewhat of a paradox, isn't it? Yahtzee!"

"But the limitation to 3 barrels of trash per household or business worked so well in decreasing the rat population that we decided it only made sense to take this approach to its logical conclusion. Shazam!"

The Power of Words

Harvey Keck is a believer in the power of words. " We tweaked that trash ordinance every which way but loose, change a word here, a comma there. Each time we noticed a definite change for the better in people's behavior, even when we clearly didn't have the resources to implement the changes. All these months spent hammering out this solution in Ma Keck's basement has proved to be worth it. That's a big 10-4, Sasquatch!"

Such awesome power is not to be trifled with. But Keck believes that he has mojo on his side. "I was born under the seventh sign and I'm the seventh son of mayor Darius Keck. Bingo!"

The Rat Diaspora

Since the ban was decreed, rat refugee camps have been spring up along Lynn's borders with Swampscott, Salem, Revere and Saugus. the United Species Commission for Animal Displacement issued the following statement: "We deplore the angst this trash ban has caused amongst our fecund furry friends. What'd they ever do? Oh, yeah. Nevermind."

Angelina Jolie has joined forces with Willard and Ben to speak up for the displaced rodent population. "I am coming to Lynn, but not to shoot a movie scene. Those rats need my help. Shame on Harvey Keck."

Willard and Ben had no comment, but nodded vigorously when asked if Lynn had gone to the dogs.