Lynn Announces Snow Plowing Cost Saving Measures

In an effort to save money the City of Lynn announced today a new snow plowing plan for the city. "As of today all snow plow operators will drive around the City of Lynn during snow storms with their plows lifted at least one foot above the road," stated Lynn's snow czar Sammy "the snowman"McSpenderson in a press release today.

The statement went on to say that the reason for the having snow plow operators drive around with their plows up was to save on wear and tear on the plow blades. "We think this is a great idea," responded Billy Towner of Towner Roofing who has a plowing contract with the city. "Those things are spendy and this will save us a ton of money."

When asked by residents how the city expected to get the streets cleared with all the plows running with the their blades up McSpenderson replied "We think residents can shovel the streets themselves. In fact we are instituting a new $500 fine for people who don't shovel the street in front their house."

Funds collected for the new fine will go to pay new seat warmers in the City Council and Mayor's offices.

Puleo and Lynn Rat Syndicate Find Common Ground

The Lynn Rat Syndicate released a statement praising Margerate Puleo's on going fight against the Food Project farm at Ingalls Elementary. The statement read in part:

"We in the Lynn Rat Syndicate have had our differences with Mrs. Puleo in the past but we would like to thank her on going activism about the conditions at the Ingalls farm. As frequent diners at the farm we appreciate that there will now be more testing of lead in the produce grown there because Mrs. Puleo's constant complaining. We rats want to stay healthy too. Also, the $1000 is less money that the city can spend on rat eradication programs (or as we call it "rat genocide").

In their statement they also agreed with Mrs. Puleo's dislike of beats. They expressed a hope that the space used for beats might better be used for dumping the mystery meat served at the Ingalls cafeteria. "We have been hoping to get our hands on that delicious pink slime for years!" exclaimed the LRS spokesrat at the press conference.

The spokesperson for Ward 2 City Councilor Billy Trahant (who represents the neighborhood were the farm is located) said that Billy was glad that Puleo and the rats now seem to be getting along. "This will go a long way toward creating peace in the neighborhood. Now if we can only get the gang members from eating all the fresh produce in the middle of the night."

The Bananas Top Twelve

Brat Ladies Get Just Deserts

Lynn, Lynn, city of…eccentric cranky old biddies? 80 year old Claire Butcher (Bird Lady) and Marguerite Puleo (Rat Lady) were sentenced to hard labor at the Ingalls School community garden. (Bird + rat = Brat, get it? Well, it really equals birdrat, but that doesn’t sound so good.)

Forced to live with each other next to the garden in Puleo’s residence, Ms. Butcher can only feed the birds in Puleo’s backyard. The resulting bird feces will be allowed to decompose so it can later be used as fertilizer for the garden.

Stay tuned to Fox News, as Butcher will be providing fodder for that network’s viewers sometime in the near future.

New Trash Ordinance Trashed by Chamber

A new trash ordinance was passed. “Henceforth, all receptacles for unwanted, used, and otherwise worthless pieces of garbage shall be cylindrical in nature and designed to hold no more than the maximum of all trash produced by a household divided by 3 or an apartment complex divided by 6. Furthermore all commercial enterprises shall abide by these very same limits and can only employ either 3 or 6 trash barrels to contain their waste. We won’t say which number, you decide and we’ll hand out the tickets based on whether we like you or not.”

A new trash ordinance was literally passed and flushed down the toilet. All that straining and hard work for nothing. Back to the drawing board!

Darts After Hours

Bar owners are taking aim at City Hall and refusing to shut down before midnight this New Year’s Eve. They can’t serve alcohol, but they will be sponsoring an all-night dart tournament in protest. Faces of current and former License Board Commissioners will be super-imposed on targets. Winners will be granted chicken dinner, but no bar will be allowed to serve the victors liquor. The event is being dubbed “Target Practice.”

First Triple Abortion

Lynn truly is a city of firsts. It happened at Three Yolks Breakfast Restaurant during the Monday morning breakfast rush. Both Planned Parenthood and the Roman Catholic church were all over this one. I’d like my abortion sunny side up please.

Phelan Appeals to Pre-civil rights era Values

We regret we didn’t clip and save Tim Phelan’s full page campaign ad in the Lynn Urinal. In it he claimed a lot of recent positive developments as his own and stood for a return to 1950’s values. Tim is the Wally Cleaver Wonderbread politician we love to hate. He also got the most votes in the Councillor at-large election this year. Tim, if only you’d use your considerable powers for good instead of fear-mongering, we might like you.

Controversial Practice of Canning Called into Question

The mayor and the booster clubs found themselves at loggerheads over the controversial practice of canning to raise money for school athletics. Canning, otherwise known as Beaning, consists of threatening to hurl cans of Del Monte green string beans through the windows of passing cars unless the driver forks over whatever coins are stashed in the cupholder. No coins, no mercy.

School System Breaks

A heavily sobbing parent could be heard in the halls of the Lynn Public Schools. “It’s not fair! She broke our school system! Why is she allowed to keep on playing with it!”

“I did not! He did it!” came the response.

“Well, both of you have lost your priviledges,” said the state.

“I’ll take good care of it,” said Kipp.

Avenue King Crip and the Deuce Boys Create New Jazz Genre

It wasn’t the kind of artistic breakthrough downtowners were hoping for, but another Lynn first was recorded in the Neal Rantouille Blackbox Theatre where Avenue King Crip and the Deuce Boys launched what would come to be known as revenge jazz. As a result, the entire city was blocked off by yellow police tape. Nobody could get into or out of Nahant for 5 days.

Chip Clancy’s Computer Found in Dredged Goldfish Pond

The normally stately Goldfish Pond revealed its deep dark secrets in September when the renovation of its retaining wall forced most of the water to be drained. Not only was Chip’s missing City Hall Computer found, but the infamous Goldfish Pond scrolls were recovered and set out in the sun to dry.

Lynnfield St. Traffic Light

Breaking News Flash!!! New traffic light doesn’t work so well on first day. Government fucks up again. Can’t do anything right.

Creation of Downtown Marts District

What, you didn’t see this coming? The city clerk all in a hurry to get this new proclamation written, copying and pasting from this document and that one, nobody proofreading the final draft. The mayor blithely signing it into law in a big ceremony? Sorry, spell checkers don’t catch these kinds of mistakes.

Yeah, so now we’re stuck with this stupid Marts district. Isn’t that what we already have with that Shaw’s strip mall, all those mini marts, dollar stores and storefront churches?

This smarts. We’re lucky we didn’t create a shopping carts district or a farts district. Tarts district anyone? Parts?

Incestuous Relationships Pervade City Goverment

The Item did another one of it’s famous exposes. Only this time, instead of salaries, they went over all the incestuous relations working for city government or in some way getting fed off the public teat. What with all the Phelans, Coppingers, Bartons, Cyrs and other “life-long Lynners” around here, it’s a wonder anything gets done. Oh well, at least we have Hong Net this time around.

1950's Values…21st Century Hallucinations

Timothy Phelan for Councillor at Large. Yeah, you heard me. Who doesn't like values that go back 60 years? McCarthyism, the Cold War, segregation, conformity…those were some of our country's best years.

Tim fought for transparency in city government and won…now you can see right through it! MC Tim hosts Rat Pack Club live from City Hall. Every other week, the air-raid siren signals that it's time to gather in the fallout shelter to watch Tim and his Mousekateers.

Tim Phelan put the City Council on Twitter so all the hip kids could follow it! (Still no Facebook page, though) @LynnCouncil follows all the key players: Will Wheaton, Dane Cook and Mandy Moore. In the back rooms of city hall, someone's tweeting their brains out.

Tim successfully proposed and passed 3 separate ordinances PROHIBITING AMUSEMENT PARKS FOR THIRD DEGREE PERVERTS, THE DANGLING OF NAUGHTY PARTS IN BLACK BOX THEATRES and TRANSFATS SERVED PAST 10 O'ClOCK.

Tim successfully fought to muzzle that doggie in the window.

Tim loves this city! He even had someone shoot a YouTube video collage to prove it.

Tim is a life-long Lynner, in other words hip, groovy and cool, not a stick in the mud at all. As a senior at Lynn English, he successfully supported the Fonz's effort to jump the shark. He found his thrill on Blueberry Hill and walked down lonely street to Heartbreak Hotel. To know, know, know him, is to love, love, love him. Vote Timothy Phelan this November 8th and keep 1950's values alive! Happy Days!

Tim Phelan--Moving Lynn Back to the 50s.

Exclusive! Goldfish Pond Reveals Deep Dark Secrets!!

Chip Clancy's old computer

Just one day before the annual GoldFish Pond Fun & Flea Day, the Tomato has uncovered a conspiracy at the highest levels of city government to cover-up the discovery of valuable historical artifacts found when the pond was drained last fall to make repairs on the stone walls that gird its watery depths!

The Goldfish Pond Scrolls are among the most potentially damaging of these finds and reveal shocking secrets that descendants of the the Ingalls clan would prefer remain untold. Edmund Ingalls and his family, the first settlers of the area, were Puritans who disdained the flamboyant conduct of their fellow settlers on the Revere Beach Parkway.

So they moved to an area of Lynn then known as Swamphole and dug a heart-shaped ditch, filled it with water, threw in some goldfish and called it day. The rest, as they say, is history.

Among the other shocking historical artifacts found in the depths of the pond:

• Salvaged computers from the Chip Clancy administration. JFK would really like to get her hands on these! Who knows what incriminating email threads reside on these hard drives?
• Obama's Kenyan birth certificate.
• The remains of the egg that hatched Newt Gingrich.

Our intrepid reporter

The Lynn Daily Tomato Guide to Surviving Hurricane Irene

Wait until the winds start to pick up, then go out to buy a couple of suitcases of Bud at Discount Liquors to ride out the storm.

Go to Lynnway Liquors and buy a Central Square Chardonnay and an Oxford St. Pino Noir to go with your Swiss Chard and Artichoke Quiche made with produce purchased at the Marblehead Farmer's Market. (You live in Lynn and our Farmer's Market closes well before you get out of work.)

Find yourself a sick, I mean safe, building.

Stock up on dead rats to feed the pitbulls.

Buy enough Peanut Butter, Fluff and Wonder Bread to feed an entire army of jaywalkers.

Don't forget to attend the Turbine after-party early Monday morning.

Set up a toll both on the Nahant Causeway and extort money from residents trying to evacuate.

Tempt the fates by scaling High Rock Tower.

Schedule an outdoor event.

Pretend you're the ghost of a pirate and hole up in Dungeon Rock.

Oh, Say Can You See

The Lynn Department of PyroTourism recently launched a new program to bring tourist dollars into Lynn for the 4th of July weekend. As part of its Holiday Hood Style initiative, the city plans to dispense with its officially sponsored Fireworks extravaganza and instead take advantage of the numerous illegal fireworks displays.

Pyrotourism coordinator Cokie Kristofferson puts it this way: "It became apparent to us that the quote unquote amateur displays were out-shining our official fireworks in longevity, creativity and loudness. So the TNT bus tour will take its place."

Seven TNT tourbuses, recently acquired from Buster's Bus Inc., feature glass ceilings through which paying passengers get an unobstructed view of the festivities as they travel through Lynn's diverse neighborhoods. Bunghole Liquors has paid for naming rights for the new event.

"We're calling it the Bunghole Bomber Independence Day Spectacular," said Bunghole spokesman Thaddeus Warner Higgins. "Pay a little extra and we give you the full immersion experience. Not only do you get to ride the bus, you also get to lodge with an actual child-support-paying dad as he watches his paycheck blow up."

Not to be outdone, Downtown will also get into the action by hosting an art auction called FireWorks and Fluff: the Abstract Art Explosions of Durkee and Mower. Pieces to be auctioned off include "Wanksta Surprise," "Slumdog Covered in Marshmellow" and "Peanutbutter and Fluff Massacre." The "Fire Ho's" will provide the entertainment.

"If you think about it, fireworks are like farts...explosions from people's backyards, only ear-shattering," said Lynn Arts Director Patience Prufrock. "And smelly." And so Lynn Arts will host a "Farts After Hours" cocktail hour as a way for people get some release after the auction.

"We'll know it's done when we just hear a fart every two to three seconds," said Prufrock.

DMT: Just Say No to Trash

In a move many are heralding as just plain silly, the Lynn Department of Magical Thinking has banned all trash from the city. Trash barrels could be seen feeling very lonely and commiserating in support groups outside city limits.

"From now on, we're strictly a carry-in carry-out community," said DMT Director Harvey Keck. "Abracadabra," he then blurted.

After an uncomfortably long silence, Keck resumed, "No trash shall either enter or leave city limits. Boo!"

When asked if his second statement contradicted his first, Keck replied, "It's somewhat of a paradox, isn't it? Yahtzee!"

"But the limitation to 3 barrels of trash per household or business worked so well in decreasing the rat population that we decided it only made sense to take this approach to its logical conclusion. Shazam!"

The Power of Words

Harvey Keck is a believer in the power of words. " We tweaked that trash ordinance every which way but loose, change a word here, a comma there. Each time we noticed a definite change for the better in people's behavior, even when we clearly didn't have the resources to implement the changes. All these months spent hammering out this solution in Ma Keck's basement has proved to be worth it. That's a big 10-4, Sasquatch!"

Such awesome power is not to be trifled with. But Keck believes that he has mojo on his side. "I was born under the seventh sign and I'm the seventh son of mayor Darius Keck. Bingo!"

The Rat Diaspora

Since the ban was decreed, rat refugee camps have been spring up along Lynn's borders with Swampscott, Salem, Revere and Saugus. the United Species Commission for Animal Displacement issued the following statement: "We deplore the angst this trash ban has caused amongst our fecund furry friends. What'd they ever do? Oh, yeah. Nevermind."

Angelina Jolie has joined forces with Willard and Ben to speak up for the displaced rodent population. "I am coming to Lynn, but not to shoot a movie scene. Those rats need my help. Shame on Harvey Keck."

Willard and Ben had no comment, but nodded vigorously when asked if Lynn had gone to the dogs.

Manny to teach Lynn kids to "Just Say No!"

Recently retired slugger Manny Remirez will be hitting the speaking circuit now that he has retired from professional baseball. One of his first stops will be the city of Lynn's schools where he will talk about where a drug free life can take you. "Manny feels really strongly that kids should just say no to drugs. Look where his drug free life has taken him," said Manny's publicist. This will be Manny's first stop on a year long tour all over the United States and the Dominican Republic. The tour is being sponsored by Lance Armstrong's Live Strong foundation. Other former MLB players, including Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Mark McGwire, will be touring other cities.

Northshore Navigators to Replace Red Sox at Fenway Opener

Red Sox officials announced last night that due to poor performance the high priced Red Sox players would be replaced by the Northshore Navigators players. Theo Epstien is said to be very frustrated by the lack of performance by his nearly one billion dollar payroll and figures to give the kids from Fraser Field a chance to play in the big leagues. An un-named source close to Epstien is quoted as saying "They can't be any worse than those Bentley driving bozos we got in there now. Maybe the Navigator kids can do a little David and Galiuth with the Yankees tonight."

The Navigators are said to be ecstatic about the chance to play at historic Fenway Park and against the legendary New York Yankees no less. "Can you believe it!" hollered backup catcher Chip Throwsome, "we get to play in Fenway Park. I can't wait to try and hit one over the Monster."

High priced free agent acquisition Carl Crawford is said to be despondent over being replaced by a bunch of kids who could not even make it into the major leagues for opening day.

Happy Opening Day from the Tomato!!

Westboro Baptist Church to Open Online Bigotry Office in Lynn

The Westboro Baptist Church announced today that they will be opening a satellite office for this Kansas based church in Lynn. The focus of the new office will online bigotry according to their spokesperson B.S. Crazy.

"We keep a close eye on the comment section of the Lynn Daily Item and it is clear that there is some real talent for online bigotry in that city." Ms. Crazy stated at her press conference. "We have wanted to spread our reach both online and out east and Lynn, Lynn City of Sin seemed like a great fit for us."

They will be hiring 10 new positions that they are calling Online Bigotry Correspondents. Their job will be to monitor the comment sections of online newspapers and blogs and insert Westboro brand of dialog to the comment stream.

They have already hired the top two positions in the office with the Daily Item commenters Caligula being hired for Director of Bigotry Messaging and Agamemnus to Director of Bigotry Online Operations. "These two have a great track record of consistent bigoted comments on the Daily Item website and we think they will be perfect to head our national operations." Ms. Crazy stated at the press conference.

Ward 8 Councilor Joey McBurlisconi gave the new office a big thumbs up. "This is exactly what Lynn needs. More technology sector jobs and it taps into a talent base you can only really find in Lynn." When asked about what he felt about the bigoted nature of the office Mr. McBurlisconi added, "a jobs a job."

A Job Not Done

It's tough being head of Inspectional Services. Have you tried dealing with those asbestos-sniffing school janitors and their sick time requests?

No, Inspectional Services isn't all it's cracked up to be, ticketing all those senior citizens and disabled people for not shovelling their sidewalks! Doesn't City Hall appreciate all the extra revenue Mike "It's Done Now" Donovan brought in? When a winter like this comes along, you have to take advantage of it. Where white powdery substances are concerned, Donovan's your man. Or not.

The head of INSPECTIONAL services doesn't check for LICENSES when hiring a contractor to remove ASBESTOS from a SCHOOL???!!! There is so much wrong with that sentence that our head is about to explode. Quick, wrap us in asbestos!

So without further ado, we present Mike "It's Done Now" Donovan with the Bartholmew JoJo Simpson "I didn't do it" Award for incompetence and/or negligence of cartoonishly stupendous proportions.

Oh, it's done now, Mike. Can you all say it with me? I DIDN'T DO IT.

Marshall Middle School Student Council Race Heats Up

Things are starting to get rolling for the Marshall Middle School student council races for next year. It is mostly the same cast of characters from past years. In the At-Large race it looks like Pauly Crowley, Danny Cahil, Stevie Duffy, Timmy Phelan are back in it. We will see if shop stalwart Stevie Duffy will have the same lunch money controversy that he had the last go around and if Pauly Crowley will get any blow back from his involvement in the controversial redevelopment of the historic playground into a 7-11. With his deep war chest Timmy Phelan is clearly eying bigger prizes in the near future and we will see if up-in-coming youngster Danny Cahil gains any ground in his goal of becoming the next council president.

There are some challengers in the race who have already announced. Basketball standout Buzzy Burton is looking to translate his popularity into a seat on the student council so that he can be a pain in Timmy Phalen's behind. Young Clay Walsh has also jumped into the race and already is using Facebook and a fancy website to attract attention. As of yet no transfer students have entered the race. Because of the home town bias this growing constituency in the school still has a hard time getting elected to office. Rumor also has it that Teacher Advisory Committee member Johnny Ford might be thinking about going for an at-large student council seat.

Things have not gotten going yet in the hallway races. Hall 2's Billy Trahant and Hall 3's Darren Cyr are thought by many to be vulnerable to the right candidate but no one has stepped forward. As time moves forward we should start to hear more about the other Hallway races.

What is really interesting about this years student council race is how it will set up the Principle Pet race the following year. Judy Kennedy had an upset victory over Chipper Clancy last time around and rumor has it that a whole bunch of school polls think they have a shot at this position. It is clear that Timmy Phalen would love to be the next Pet and City Student Council Reps Tommy McGee, Bobby Fennel and Stevie Walsh are also thought to be mulling runs.

In future reporting the Tomato will take a closer look at how the Teacher Advisory Committee race is shaping up.

The Lewis Files

Someone rang our doorbell the other day and ran away. The Crips must be at it again, we thought. When we opened the door, we saw that the culprit had left a plain brown paper wrapped package. Immediately, we opened it. Along with some alien autopsy photos was the long-lost original manuscript of Alonzo Lewis' journals. Yes, that Alonzo Lewis, co-writer of the classic History of Lynn published in 1865. It is with great pleasure that we publish this important historical document. Here is an excerpt:

An abundance of wild jalopies frequent the thoroughfares and main arteries of our fair city. None heralds the commencement of Spring more so than the arrival of the Florescent Flanged Camaro (Camarus bombasticus). It approacheth on glittering oversized spinning rims, dual exhausts bleating. As this harbinger of the mating season draws closer to your proximity, you feel the window shattering bass in the marrow of your bones. Such sweet music!

It tweets of cop killing mofos and drug deals gone bad. If you you are fortunate, you live near a crossroads and the cessation of its movement allows you to savor its arrival. Such a sighting is greatly anticipated by the natives, who look out their windows in great admiration, mouths agape.

Opinion: Lynn Schools Overcrowded and Assistant Superintendent for Staplers the Answer

We here at the Lynn Daily Tomato would like to commend Superintendent Lathum's forward thinking plan to address overcrowding in our elementary school classrooms. Clearly hiring a new Assistant Superintendent for staplers is the answer.

It is a brilliant move. With this new person in the school administration headquarters moving paper from one side of their desk to the other and making sure everyone is well stocked in staples and paper shredders it will give Superintendent Lathum more time to ponder the weighty issues of the day. A little breathing room in her daily life you might say.

We agree this is definitely the best way to spend $150 grand in salary and benefits, not to mention an additional $50 grand for a confidential secretary (because we all know the Lynn School Department is kind of like the CIA). And you cannot forget the car the city will need to buy this person. A brand new Cadillac Escalade should be the ticket.

We agree with Superintendent Lathum that this $200 grand should not be spent in other ways. What are a couple extra class room teachers, easing the size pressure in our schools, in comparison to the mental health benefits to you Ms. Lathum. We applaud you for caring so much for the kids by paying so close attention to your own needs. Kudos Lathum! Kudos!

Item Announces New Photo Spread Section

Lynn Daily Item photo editor Arnie Pretty announce today a new photo spread section for both the print and online version of the paper. The plan is to start with a photo spread called "Kennedy on the Crapper" which will feature pictures of of Mayor Kennedy taking a shit. "We just do not feel like we have done a very good job of taking flattering pictures of the Mayor" pointed out Mr. Pretty. He then referenced the photo that went with the March 24th Item front page article. "We feel that the photos of Ms. Kennedy on the can will be a dramatic improvement," Mr. Pretty continued.

Future editions will include "On the Beach" featuring the City Council in bikini briefs, "Fill'in Holes" featuring DPW workers filling pots holes and "Taken the Test" featuring school administration and school committee members attempting to take the MCAS test. All photo spreads will be available for public purchase in calendar formate with all proceeds going to Lynn Foundation. "It will show our city workers and politicians in a more intimate and positive light as well as raising money for important work in the city," Arne Pretty concluded excitedly.

Lynn Pair Pleats Guilty in Tuxedo Beating

A Lynn pair of cargo pants pled guilty to the involuntary suit-slaughter of a double-breasted tuxedo at Voyiagis Tuxedo and Tailors on Western Ave. today. The pants were sentenced to permanent display at Old Navy, never to be worn again.

The Fashion Police decreed that the pants must always wear a belt so as not to hang down and expose the undergarments, along with a T-shirt and thong sandals. Baggy trousers could not be reached for comment.

The tuxedo was beaten beyond recognition, its lapels ripped to shreds. In an effort to bring it back to life, Tennessee Tuxedo and Chumly are employing Mr. Whoopie's Way-back Machine to go back in time and prevent the horrific event. "I will not fail!" proclaimed Tennessee.

Alonzo Lewis and the Water Haters

We dry fruits and juicy vegetables here at the Tomato are happy to discover a fellow scribe that amuses us. We refer to none other than that illustrious chronicler of all things Lynn: Alonzo Lewis. Along with James Newall, he penned the definitive History of Lynn in 1865. It remains a classic. Herewith is a snippet we would like to share:

"Were it not for the social intercourse, I would as soon be confined in a prison cell as in a room twelve feet square, with a hot stove, and six or eight persons breathing the heated air over and over again, long after it is rendered unfit to sustain life... The subject of bathing, too, requires more attention. There are many people in Lynn, as there are in all other places, who never washed themselves all over in their lives, and who would as soon think of taking a journey through the air in a balloon, as of going under water. How they contrive to exist I cannot imagine; they certainly do not exist in the highest degree of happiness, if happiness consists in the enjoyment of that free and buoyant mind which is nourished by pure air and clean water. Some of these water haters, a few years since made a law, that boys should not bathe in sight of any house; yet they have furnished no bathing houses; and there are no secluded places, excepting where the lives of children would be endangered. Thus they not only refuse to bathe themselves, but prevent the young, by a heavy penalty, from enjoying one of the purest blessings and highest luxuries of existence. Perhaps nothing is more conducive to health than sea -bathing. I do not wish for a return of the "olden time," with all its errors and absurdities, but I do desire a return to that simplicity which is born of purity."

We heartily agree with Alonzo. Nothing gets our goat cheese in a whiz more than the prohibition to enjoy that which is freely available to us by virtue of the benevolence of the Creator. Aye. To bathe, perchance to cleanse us of our toe cheese. We will not desist until the unhealthy ordinance is repealed.

We look to Joey McBerlesconi to lead the way, for only he is running on a platform of good hygeine. Joey McBerlesconi: Making Ocean Bathing Acceptable Again. Because we have more important things to worry about. (This message was approved by the committee to elect McBerlesconi )

Re-Elect Joey McBerlisconi Event April 1st

We at the Tomato are happy to announce our support for the Re Election Campaign for Ward 8 Councilor Joey McBerlisconi. We support Joey's re-election bid to represent Lynn's smallest ward (bordered by Manne Blvd, the Lynnway and the ocean) because he clearly the most qualified. He is a life long Lynner whose family goes back generations in Lynn. That is really the only qualification he really needs. We clearly do not want any non-lifelong-Lynners to be elected to office. What do they have to offer this city?

So join us in this fundraiser for Joey! Visit our facebook event page for more information for this event.We would also like to thank the Athana Family for letting us use their abandon restaurant Anthony's Hawthorn for this event. They will clearly have Jeoy's vote on the eminent domain issue.

Lynn: Ya Bunch of Perverts

We decided to go trolling through our website stats today (Charlie Sheen style) to see who has been visiting us and what you like to read on our site. And by this morning we really mean three or for times a day. Anyways, we have found some interesting things:

First of all we seem to have a bit of an audience in Russia. привет (you gotta love Google Translate) my Russian friends. Are you actually interested in what we have going on here in Lynn or are you just trying to figure out how to hack our site. You can have what we have earned from adsense if you like. We have earned like .77cents so far. (to my readers start clicking on those ads, our Russian friends have kids to put through college.)

Secondly, Lynn you are a bunch of perves! I mean all we have to do is mention "Naked Ladies" or "Spotted Dicks" and our hits go through the roof. I guess we should not be surprised by this considering what comes up in "What People in Lynn Are Watching" recommended list on Netflix. I see "Kama Sutra" is up there right now. Any reviews?

Lastly the readers of heartoflynn.blogspot.com love us! That site is is by far our biggest referral site. DowntownLynn.com, LynnHappens.com, LynnsideEdition, LynnSchoolWatch, get on the ball! Now heartoflynn, besides wanting to save ad bunch of woods and a big rock do you and your readers have a bit of a pervy streak. Because the hits coming from your site would seem to indicate such.

Love Ya Lynn Lynn City of Sin! Keep up the pervyness!