Exclusive! Goldfish Pond Reveals Deep Dark Secrets!!

Chip Clancy's old computer

Just one day before the annual GoldFish Pond Fun & Flea Day, the Tomato has uncovered a conspiracy at the highest levels of city government to cover-up the discovery of valuable historical artifacts found when the pond was drained last fall to make repairs on the stone walls that gird its watery depths!

The Goldfish Pond Scrolls are among the most potentially damaging of these finds and reveal shocking secrets that descendants of the the Ingalls clan would prefer remain untold. Edmund Ingalls and his family, the first settlers of the area, were Puritans who disdained the flamboyant conduct of their fellow settlers on the Revere Beach Parkway.

So they moved to an area of Lynn then known as Swamphole and dug a heart-shaped ditch, filled it with water, threw in some goldfish and called it day. The rest, as they say, is history.

Among the other shocking historical artifacts found in the depths of the pond:

• Salvaged computers from the Chip Clancy administration. JFK would really like to get her hands on these! Who knows what incriminating email threads reside on these hard drives?
• Obama's Kenyan birth certificate.
• The remains of the egg that hatched Newt Gingrich.

Our intrepid reporter

The Lynn Daily Tomato Guide to Surviving Hurricane Irene

Wait until the winds start to pick up, then go out to buy a couple of suitcases of Bud at Discount Liquors to ride out the storm.

Go to Lynnway Liquors and buy a Central Square Chardonnay and an Oxford St. Pino Noir to go with your Swiss Chard and Artichoke Quiche made with produce purchased at the Marblehead Farmer's Market. (You live in Lynn and our Farmer's Market closes well before you get out of work.)

Find yourself a sick, I mean safe, building.

Stock up on dead rats to feed the pitbulls.

Buy enough Peanut Butter, Fluff and Wonder Bread to feed an entire army of jaywalkers.

Don't forget to attend the Turbine after-party early Monday morning.

Set up a toll both on the Nahant Causeway and extort money from residents trying to evacuate.

Tempt the fates by scaling High Rock Tower.

Schedule an outdoor event.

Pretend you're the ghost of a pirate and hole up in Dungeon Rock.

Oh, Say Can You See

The Lynn Department of PyroTourism recently launched a new program to bring tourist dollars into Lynn for the 4th of July weekend. As part of its Holiday Hood Style initiative, the city plans to dispense with its officially sponsored Fireworks extravaganza and instead take advantage of the numerous illegal fireworks displays.

Pyrotourism coordinator Cokie Kristofferson puts it this way: "It became apparent to us that the quote unquote amateur displays were out-shining our official fireworks in longevity, creativity and loudness. So the TNT bus tour will take its place."

Seven TNT tourbuses, recently acquired from Buster's Bus Inc., feature glass ceilings through which paying passengers get an unobstructed view of the festivities as they travel through Lynn's diverse neighborhoods. Bunghole Liquors has paid for naming rights for the new event.

"We're calling it the Bunghole Bomber Independence Day Spectacular," said Bunghole spokesman Thaddeus Warner Higgins. "Pay a little extra and we give you the full immersion experience. Not only do you get to ride the bus, you also get to lodge with an actual child-support-paying dad as he watches his paycheck blow up."

Not to be outdone, Downtown will also get into the action by hosting an art auction called FireWorks and Fluff: the Abstract Art Explosions of Durkee and Mower. Pieces to be auctioned off include "Wanksta Surprise," "Slumdog Covered in Marshmellow" and "Peanutbutter and Fluff Massacre." The "Fire Ho's" will provide the entertainment.

"If you think about it, fireworks are like farts...explosions from people's backyards, only ear-shattering," said Lynn Arts Director Patience Prufrock. "And smelly." And so Lynn Arts will host a "Farts After Hours" cocktail hour as a way for people get some release after the auction.

"We'll know it's done when we just hear a fart every two to three seconds," said Prufrock.

DMT: Just Say No to Trash

In a move many are heralding as just plain silly, the Lynn Department of Magical Thinking has banned all trash from the city. Trash barrels could be seen feeling very lonely and commiserating in support groups outside city limits.

"From now on, we're strictly a carry-in carry-out community," said DMT Director Harvey Keck. "Abracadabra," he then blurted.

After an uncomfortably long silence, Keck resumed, "No trash shall either enter or leave city limits. Boo!"

When asked if his second statement contradicted his first, Keck replied, "It's somewhat of a paradox, isn't it? Yahtzee!"

"But the limitation to 3 barrels of trash per household or business worked so well in decreasing the rat population that we decided it only made sense to take this approach to its logical conclusion. Shazam!"

The Power of Words

Harvey Keck is a believer in the power of words. " We tweaked that trash ordinance every which way but loose, change a word here, a comma there. Each time we noticed a definite change for the better in people's behavior, even when we clearly didn't have the resources to implement the changes. All these months spent hammering out this solution in Ma Keck's basement has proved to be worth it. That's a big 10-4, Sasquatch!"

Such awesome power is not to be trifled with. But Keck believes that he has mojo on his side. "I was born under the seventh sign and I'm the seventh son of mayor Darius Keck. Bingo!"

The Rat Diaspora

Since the ban was decreed, rat refugee camps have been spring up along Lynn's borders with Swampscott, Salem, Revere and Saugus. the United Species Commission for Animal Displacement issued the following statement: "We deplore the angst this trash ban has caused amongst our fecund furry friends. What'd they ever do? Oh, yeah. Nevermind."

Angelina Jolie has joined forces with Willard and Ben to speak up for the displaced rodent population. "I am coming to Lynn, but not to shoot a movie scene. Those rats need my help. Shame on Harvey Keck."

Willard and Ben had no comment, but nodded vigorously when asked if Lynn had gone to the dogs.

Manny to teach Lynn kids to "Just Say No!"

Recently retired slugger Manny Remirez will be hitting the speaking circuit now that he has retired from professional baseball. One of his first stops will be the city of Lynn's schools where he will talk about where a drug free life can take you. "Manny feels really strongly that kids should just say no to drugs. Look where his drug free life has taken him," said Manny's publicist. This will be Manny's first stop on a year long tour all over the United States and the Dominican Republic. The tour is being sponsored by Lance Armstrong's Live Strong foundation. Other former MLB players, including Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Mark McGwire, will be touring other cities.

Northshore Navigators to Replace Red Sox at Fenway Opener

Red Sox officials announced last night that due to poor performance the high priced Red Sox players would be replaced by the Northshore Navigators players. Theo Epstien is said to be very frustrated by the lack of performance by his nearly one billion dollar payroll and figures to give the kids from Fraser Field a chance to play in the big leagues. An un-named source close to Epstien is quoted as saying "They can't be any worse than those Bentley driving bozos we got in there now. Maybe the Navigator kids can do a little David and Galiuth with the Yankees tonight."

The Navigators are said to be ecstatic about the chance to play at historic Fenway Park and against the legendary New York Yankees no less. "Can you believe it!" hollered backup catcher Chip Throwsome, "we get to play in Fenway Park. I can't wait to try and hit one over the Monster."

High priced free agent acquisition Carl Crawford is said to be despondent over being replaced by a bunch of kids who could not even make it into the major leagues for opening day.

Happy Opening Day from the Tomato!!

Westboro Baptist Church to Open Online Bigotry Office in Lynn

The Westboro Baptist Church announced today that they will be opening a satellite office for this Kansas based church in Lynn. The focus of the new office will online bigotry according to their spokesperson B.S. Crazy.

"We keep a close eye on the comment section of the Lynn Daily Item and it is clear that there is some real talent for online bigotry in that city." Ms. Crazy stated at her press conference. "We have wanted to spread our reach both online and out east and Lynn, Lynn City of Sin seemed like a great fit for us."

They will be hiring 10 new positions that they are calling Online Bigotry Correspondents. Their job will be to monitor the comment sections of online newspapers and blogs and insert Westboro brand of dialog to the comment stream.

They have already hired the top two positions in the office with the Daily Item commenters Caligula being hired for Director of Bigotry Messaging and Agamemnus to Director of Bigotry Online Operations. "These two have a great track record of consistent bigoted comments on the Daily Item website and we think they will be perfect to head our national operations." Ms. Crazy stated at the press conference.

Ward 8 Councilor Joey McBurlisconi gave the new office a big thumbs up. "This is exactly what Lynn needs. More technology sector jobs and it taps into a talent base you can only really find in Lynn." When asked about what he felt about the bigoted nature of the office Mr. McBurlisconi added, "a jobs a job."