DMT: Just Say No to Trash

In a move many are heralding as just plain silly, the Lynn Department of Magical Thinking has banned all trash from the city. Trash barrels could be seen feeling very lonely and commiserating in support groups outside city limits.

"From now on, we're strictly a carry-in carry-out community," said DMT Director Harvey Keck. "Abracadabra," he then blurted.

After an uncomfortably long silence, Keck resumed, "No trash shall either enter or leave city limits. Boo!"

When asked if his second statement contradicted his first, Keck replied, "It's somewhat of a paradox, isn't it? Yahtzee!"

"But the limitation to 3 barrels of trash per household or business worked so well in decreasing the rat population that we decided it only made sense to take this approach to its logical conclusion. Shazam!"

The Power of Words

Harvey Keck is a believer in the power of words. " We tweaked that trash ordinance every which way but loose, change a word here, a comma there. Each time we noticed a definite change for the better in people's behavior, even when we clearly didn't have the resources to implement the changes. All these months spent hammering out this solution in Ma Keck's basement has proved to be worth it. That's a big 10-4, Sasquatch!"

Such awesome power is not to be trifled with. But Keck believes that he has mojo on his side. "I was born under the seventh sign and I'm the seventh son of mayor Darius Keck. Bingo!"

The Rat Diaspora

Since the ban was decreed, rat refugee camps have been spring up along Lynn's borders with Swampscott, Salem, Revere and Saugus. the United Species Commission for Animal Displacement issued the following statement: "We deplore the angst this trash ban has caused amongst our fecund furry friends. What'd they ever do? Oh, yeah. Nevermind."

Angelina Jolie has joined forces with Willard and Ben to speak up for the displaced rodent population. "I am coming to Lynn, but not to shoot a movie scene. Those rats need my help. Shame on Harvey Keck."

Willard and Ben had no comment, but nodded vigorously when asked if Lynn had gone to the dogs.

Manny to teach Lynn kids to "Just Say No!"

Recently retired slugger Manny Remirez will be hitting the speaking circuit now that he has retired from professional baseball. One of his first stops will be the city of Lynn's schools where he will talk about where a drug free life can take you. "Manny feels really strongly that kids should just say no to drugs. Look where his drug free life has taken him," said Manny's publicist. This will be Manny's first stop on a year long tour all over the United States and the Dominican Republic. The tour is being sponsored by Lance Armstrong's Live Strong foundation. Other former MLB players, including Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Mark McGwire, will be touring other cities.

Northshore Navigators to Replace Red Sox at Fenway Opener

Red Sox officials announced last night that due to poor performance the high priced Red Sox players would be replaced by the Northshore Navigators players. Theo Epstien is said to be very frustrated by the lack of performance by his nearly one billion dollar payroll and figures to give the kids from Fraser Field a chance to play in the big leagues. An un-named source close to Epstien is quoted as saying "They can't be any worse than those Bentley driving bozos we got in there now. Maybe the Navigator kids can do a little David and Galiuth with the Yankees tonight."

The Navigators are said to be ecstatic about the chance to play at historic Fenway Park and against the legendary New York Yankees no less. "Can you believe it!" hollered backup catcher Chip Throwsome, "we get to play in Fenway Park. I can't wait to try and hit one over the Monster."

High priced free agent acquisition Carl Crawford is said to be despondent over being replaced by a bunch of kids who could not even make it into the major leagues for opening day.

Happy Opening Day from the Tomato!!

Westboro Baptist Church to Open Online Bigotry Office in Lynn

The Westboro Baptist Church announced today that they will be opening a satellite office for this Kansas based church in Lynn. The focus of the new office will online bigotry according to their spokesperson B.S. Crazy.

"We keep a close eye on the comment section of the Lynn Daily Item and it is clear that there is some real talent for online bigotry in that city." Ms. Crazy stated at her press conference. "We have wanted to spread our reach both online and out east and Lynn, Lynn City of Sin seemed like a great fit for us."

They will be hiring 10 new positions that they are calling Online Bigotry Correspondents. Their job will be to monitor the comment sections of online newspapers and blogs and insert Westboro brand of dialog to the comment stream.

They have already hired the top two positions in the office with the Daily Item commenters Caligula being hired for Director of Bigotry Messaging and Agamemnus to Director of Bigotry Online Operations. "These two have a great track record of consistent bigoted comments on the Daily Item website and we think they will be perfect to head our national operations." Ms. Crazy stated at the press conference.

Ward 8 Councilor Joey McBurlisconi gave the new office a big thumbs up. "This is exactly what Lynn needs. More technology sector jobs and it taps into a talent base you can only really find in Lynn." When asked about what he felt about the bigoted nature of the office Mr. McBurlisconi added, "a jobs a job."

A Job Not Done

It's tough being head of Inspectional Services. Have you tried dealing with those asbestos-sniffing school janitors and their sick time requests?

No, Inspectional Services isn't all it's cracked up to be, ticketing all those senior citizens and disabled people for not shovelling their sidewalks! Doesn't City Hall appreciate all the extra revenue Mike "It's Done Now" Donovan brought in? When a winter like this comes along, you have to take advantage of it. Where white powdery substances are concerned, Donovan's your man. Or not.

The head of INSPECTIONAL services doesn't check for LICENSES when hiring a contractor to remove ASBESTOS from a SCHOOL???!!! There is so much wrong with that sentence that our head is about to explode. Quick, wrap us in asbestos!

So without further ado, we present Mike "It's Done Now" Donovan with the Bartholmew JoJo Simpson "I didn't do it" Award for incompetence and/or negligence of cartoonishly stupendous proportions.

Oh, it's done now, Mike. Can you all say it with me? I DIDN'T DO IT.

Marshall Middle School Student Council Race Heats Up

Things are starting to get rolling for the Marshall Middle School student council races for next year. It is mostly the same cast of characters from past years. In the At-Large race it looks like Pauly Crowley, Danny Cahil, Stevie Duffy, Timmy Phelan are back in it. We will see if shop stalwart Stevie Duffy will have the same lunch money controversy that he had the last go around and if Pauly Crowley will get any blow back from his involvement in the controversial redevelopment of the historic playground into a 7-11. With his deep war chest Timmy Phelan is clearly eying bigger prizes in the near future and we will see if up-in-coming youngster Danny Cahil gains any ground in his goal of becoming the next council president.

There are some challengers in the race who have already announced. Basketball standout Buzzy Burton is looking to translate his popularity into a seat on the student council so that he can be a pain in Timmy Phalen's behind. Young Clay Walsh has also jumped into the race and already is using Facebook and a fancy website to attract attention. As of yet no transfer students have entered the race. Because of the home town bias this growing constituency in the school still has a hard time getting elected to office. Rumor also has it that Teacher Advisory Committee member Johnny Ford might be thinking about going for an at-large student council seat.

Things have not gotten going yet in the hallway races. Hall 2's Billy Trahant and Hall 3's Darren Cyr are thought by many to be vulnerable to the right candidate but no one has stepped forward. As time moves forward we should start to hear more about the other Hallway races.

What is really interesting about this years student council race is how it will set up the Principle Pet race the following year. Judy Kennedy had an upset victory over Chipper Clancy last time around and rumor has it that a whole bunch of school polls think they have a shot at this position. It is clear that Timmy Phalen would love to be the next Pet and City Student Council Reps Tommy McGee, Bobby Fennel and Stevie Walsh are also thought to be mulling runs.

In future reporting the Tomato will take a closer look at how the Teacher Advisory Committee race is shaping up.

The Lewis Files

Someone rang our doorbell the other day and ran away. The Crips must be at it again, we thought. When we opened the door, we saw that the culprit had left a plain brown paper wrapped package. Immediately, we opened it. Along with some alien autopsy photos was the long-lost original manuscript of Alonzo Lewis' journals. Yes, that Alonzo Lewis, co-writer of the classic History of Lynn published in 1865. It is with great pleasure that we publish this important historical document. Here is an excerpt:

An abundance of wild jalopies frequent the thoroughfares and main arteries of our fair city. None heralds the commencement of Spring more so than the arrival of the Florescent Flanged Camaro (Camarus bombasticus). It approacheth on glittering oversized spinning rims, dual exhausts bleating. As this harbinger of the mating season draws closer to your proximity, you feel the window shattering bass in the marrow of your bones. Such sweet music!

It tweets of cop killing mofos and drug deals gone bad. If you you are fortunate, you live near a crossroads and the cessation of its movement allows you to savor its arrival. Such a sighting is greatly anticipated by the natives, who look out their windows in great admiration, mouths agape.