Marshall Middle School Student Council Race Heats Up

Things are starting to get rolling for the Marshall Middle School student council races for next year. It is mostly the same cast of characters from past years. In the At-Large race it looks like Pauly Crowley, Danny Cahil, Stevie Duffy, Timmy Phelan are back in it. We will see if shop stalwart Stevie Duffy will have the same lunch money controversy that he had the last go around and if Pauly Crowley will get any blow back from his involvement in the controversial redevelopment of the historic playground into a 7-11. With his deep war chest Timmy Phelan is clearly eying bigger prizes in the near future and we will see if up-in-coming youngster Danny Cahil gains any ground in his goal of becoming the next council president.

There are some challengers in the race who have already announced. Basketball standout Buzzy Burton is looking to translate his popularity into a seat on the student council so that he can be a pain in Timmy Phalen's behind. Young Clay Walsh has also jumped into the race and already is using Facebook and a fancy website to attract attention. As of yet no transfer students have entered the race. Because of the home town bias this growing constituency in the school still has a hard time getting elected to office. Rumor also has it that Teacher Advisory Committee member Johnny Ford might be thinking about going for an at-large student council seat.

Things have not gotten going yet in the hallway races. Hall 2's Billy Trahant and Hall 3's Darren Cyr are thought by many to be vulnerable to the right candidate but no one has stepped forward. As time moves forward we should start to hear more about the other Hallway races.

What is really interesting about this years student council race is how it will set up the Principle Pet race the following year. Judy Kennedy had an upset victory over Chipper Clancy last time around and rumor has it that a whole bunch of school polls think they have a shot at this position. It is clear that Timmy Phalen would love to be the next Pet and City Student Council Reps Tommy McGee, Bobby Fennel and Stevie Walsh are also thought to be mulling runs.

In future reporting the Tomato will take a closer look at how the Teacher Advisory Committee race is shaping up.

The Lewis Files

Someone rang our doorbell the other day and ran away. The Crips must be at it again, we thought. When we opened the door, we saw that the culprit had left a plain brown paper wrapped package. Immediately, we opened it. Along with some alien autopsy photos was the long-lost original manuscript of Alonzo Lewis' journals. Yes, that Alonzo Lewis, co-writer of the classic History of Lynn published in 1865. It is with great pleasure that we publish this important historical document. Here is an excerpt:

An abundance of wild jalopies frequent the thoroughfares and main arteries of our fair city. None heralds the commencement of Spring more so than the arrival of the Florescent Flanged Camaro (Camarus bombasticus). It approacheth on glittering oversized spinning rims, dual exhausts bleating. As this harbinger of the mating season draws closer to your proximity, you feel the window shattering bass in the marrow of your bones. Such sweet music!

It tweets of cop killing mofos and drug deals gone bad. If you you are fortunate, you live near a crossroads and the cessation of its movement allows you to savor its arrival. Such a sighting is greatly anticipated by the natives, who look out their windows in great admiration, mouths agape.

Opinion: Lynn Schools Overcrowded and Assistant Superintendent for Staplers the Answer

We here at the Lynn Daily Tomato would like to commend Superintendent Lathum's forward thinking plan to address overcrowding in our elementary school classrooms. Clearly hiring a new Assistant Superintendent for staplers is the answer.

It is a brilliant move. With this new person in the school administration headquarters moving paper from one side of their desk to the other and making sure everyone is well stocked in staples and paper shredders it will give Superintendent Lathum more time to ponder the weighty issues of the day. A little breathing room in her daily life you might say.

We agree this is definitely the best way to spend $150 grand in salary and benefits, not to mention an additional $50 grand for a confidential secretary (because we all know the Lynn School Department is kind of like the CIA). And you cannot forget the car the city will need to buy this person. A brand new Cadillac Escalade should be the ticket.

We agree with Superintendent Lathum that this $200 grand should not be spent in other ways. What are a couple extra class room teachers, easing the size pressure in our schools, in comparison to the mental health benefits to you Ms. Lathum. We applaud you for caring so much for the kids by paying so close attention to your own needs. Kudos Lathum! Kudos!

Item Announces New Photo Spread Section

Lynn Daily Item photo editor Arnie Pretty announce today a new photo spread section for both the print and online version of the paper. The plan is to start with a photo spread called "Kennedy on the Crapper" which will feature pictures of of Mayor Kennedy taking a shit. "We just do not feel like we have done a very good job of taking flattering pictures of the Mayor" pointed out Mr. Pretty. He then referenced the photo that went with the March 24th Item front page article. "We feel that the photos of Ms. Kennedy on the can will be a dramatic improvement," Mr. Pretty continued.

Future editions will include "On the Beach" featuring the City Council in bikini briefs, "Fill'in Holes" featuring DPW workers filling pots holes and "Taken the Test" featuring school administration and school committee members attempting to take the MCAS test. All photo spreads will be available for public purchase in calendar formate with all proceeds going to Lynn Foundation. "It will show our city workers and politicians in a more intimate and positive light as well as raising money for important work in the city," Arne Pretty concluded excitedly.

Lynn Pair Pleats Guilty in Tuxedo Beating

A Lynn pair of cargo pants pled guilty to the involuntary suit-slaughter of a double-breasted tuxedo at Voyiagis Tuxedo and Tailors on Western Ave. today. The pants were sentenced to permanent display at Old Navy, never to be worn again.

The Fashion Police decreed that the pants must always wear a belt so as not to hang down and expose the undergarments, along with a T-shirt and thong sandals. Baggy trousers could not be reached for comment.

The tuxedo was beaten beyond recognition, its lapels ripped to shreds. In an effort to bring it back to life, Tennessee Tuxedo and Chumly are employing Mr. Whoopie's Way-back Machine to go back in time and prevent the horrific event. "I will not fail!" proclaimed Tennessee.

Alonzo Lewis and the Water Haters

We dry fruits and juicy vegetables here at the Tomato are happy to discover a fellow scribe that amuses us. We refer to none other than that illustrious chronicler of all things Lynn: Alonzo Lewis. Along with James Newall, he penned the definitive History of Lynn in 1865. It remains a classic. Herewith is a snippet we would like to share:

"Were it not for the social intercourse, I would as soon be confined in a prison cell as in a room twelve feet square, with a hot stove, and six or eight persons breathing the heated air over and over again, long after it is rendered unfit to sustain life... The subject of bathing, too, requires more attention. There are many people in Lynn, as there are in all other places, who never washed themselves all over in their lives, and who would as soon think of taking a journey through the air in a balloon, as of going under water. How they contrive to exist I cannot imagine; they certainly do not exist in the highest degree of happiness, if happiness consists in the enjoyment of that free and buoyant mind which is nourished by pure air and clean water. Some of these water haters, a few years since made a law, that boys should not bathe in sight of any house; yet they have furnished no bathing houses; and there are no secluded places, excepting where the lives of children would be endangered. Thus they not only refuse to bathe themselves, but prevent the young, by a heavy penalty, from enjoying one of the purest blessings and highest luxuries of existence. Perhaps nothing is more conducive to health than sea -bathing. I do not wish for a return of the "olden time," with all its errors and absurdities, but I do desire a return to that simplicity which is born of purity."

We heartily agree with Alonzo. Nothing gets our goat cheese in a whiz more than the prohibition to enjoy that which is freely available to us by virtue of the benevolence of the Creator. Aye. To bathe, perchance to cleanse us of our toe cheese. We will not desist until the unhealthy ordinance is repealed.

We look to Joey McBerlesconi to lead the way, for only he is running on a platform of good hygeine. Joey McBerlesconi: Making Ocean Bathing Acceptable Again. Because we have more important things to worry about. (This message was approved by the committee to elect McBerlesconi )

Re-Elect Joey McBerlisconi Event April 1st

We at the Tomato are happy to announce our support for the Re Election Campaign for Ward 8 Councilor Joey McBerlisconi. We support Joey's re-election bid to represent Lynn's smallest ward (bordered by Manne Blvd, the Lynnway and the ocean) because he clearly the most qualified. He is a life long Lynner whose family goes back generations in Lynn. That is really the only qualification he really needs. We clearly do not want any non-lifelong-Lynners to be elected to office. What do they have to offer this city?

So join us in this fundraiser for Joey! Visit our facebook event page for more information for this event.We would also like to thank the Athana Family for letting us use their abandon restaurant Anthony's Hawthorn for this event. They will clearly have Jeoy's vote on the eminent domain issue.